Tag Archives: oops50laughlines

Oops50 Humor: MY YEARLY EXAM

I went to my doctor for my yearly physical.  The nurse started with certain basic questions:

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender!  Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch!

Oops50 Humor: It’s Keith, the midget

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
smells nice. 

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the Human Resources department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks,  “What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?” 

The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the midget.”

 

Oops 50 Humor: The Preacher

 

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

 

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wanted him to leave.

 

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims,

“If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”.

 

The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”.

 

More sighs and loud applause.

 

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

“If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”.

 

There is total silence.

 

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”.

 

Sadie’s 90 year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

“Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,  “Screw him”!

A Chick Story

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but as the years went by, traffic
slowly built up to an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said,

“You’ve got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens!”

Shortly, a sign was put up that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, “The sign seems to make them go even faster.”

A new sign was put up the next day that said:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

Farmer John called again and said, “Your signs are doing no good!  Can I put up my own sign?”
The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
“Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did.  And not one chicken has been killed since then.”

The sign read:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

Oops50 Humor: The Girls

THE GIRLS: Tillie – Maude – Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.