Tag Archives: oops50laughlines

Laugh Lines: October 26th, 2011

A 56 year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she thought she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years – why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

WHITE BEACH MORNING GLORY

Women Elder Sharing Romance Tips: Finding Mr. Right

SADHVI

I wanted to share my secret to eternal youth this week, but I couldn’t think of one.  Then I thought I could let you in on how at the age of 53, I’ve invested wisely and am now retired, except that this is not the case.

So instead I’m going to share something that I think is pretty interesting.  I was looking at the data collected from GoogleAnalytics, a free service from Google that shows which key words people are punching into their search boxes, and how many of them there are.  What I discovered is that the majority of people using the web are trying to find their perfect mate!  Uh oh, wait!  I think that also includes porn sites.  Geez.  I shouldn’t be surprised, since just about all of my single friends use online dating these days.  I even have friends who tell me, “I’ve got to find time to get on Match.com!”.

If only they realized that their type of “Mr. Right” is not anywhere but between the pages of a book.  Because having been in a relationship for over 25 years with the same partner, I can attest that it ain’t like what these single friends are yearning for.  It is not necessarily bad, it just isn’t romance every day!

MR. RIGHT THERE ALL ALONG

If I were looking, I definitely wouldn’t look for a potential relationship online!  They pick the picture themselves and they write things that make them appear like they are auctioning themselves off on the block!

If I were looking for love, I would join a tango class, or a bowling league, or maybe just go the library and get some Harlequin romance novels and drift away in a comfortable chair.  Or just order online at my favorite book site: Better World Books.  A much better company than Amazon to support, by the way.

Here’s a quote from a summer read that I recently picked up (no pun intended).  Let me know if you agree with me that reading about romance might be better than an actual relationship.  It’s cheaper. There is no compromise.  When your heart gets broken, vicariously of course, it will be better by the end of the book.

Enjoy!

Sadhvi

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room – his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.  He approached me soundlessly, from behind

and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear,

“Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong,
calloused hands start at my ankles – gently probing and

moving upward along my calves – slowly, but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care.

His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved onto my thighs, I gave a slight
shudder and partly closed my eyes.

My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands,

I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted – he brought

his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man – I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man, a man used to taking charge.

A man not used to taking ‘no’ for an answer.

A man who would tell me what he wanted.

A man who would look into my soul and say,

“Okay ma’am – you can now board your flight!”.

 

Laugh Lines: One of These Will Make you Smile!



copyright sadhvi 2011
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
 Tame Way. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
 They Take The Psychopath 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
 You Boil The Hell Out Of It 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
 Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
 A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
 Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Cinco. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
 Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
 A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
 Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
 Sanka. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
 Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
 A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
 A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
 Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Laugh Lines: The Bridge

THE BRIDGE

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, “God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?”

Laugh Lines:: The Ostrich

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

 
The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
 
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

 “That will be $9.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke…”

 
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same…”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change .

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.


“Same,” says the ostrich.

 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

 
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress, “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right, whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”


The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big bottom and long legs who agrees with everything I say” .

The moral of the story is: Be careful what you ask for!