Tag Archives: Laugh Lines

Oops 50 Humor: The Preacher

 

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

 

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wanted him to leave.

 

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims,

“If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”.

 

The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”.

 

More sighs and loud applause.

 

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

“If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”.

 

There is total silence.

 

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”.

 

Sadie’s 90 year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

“Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,  “Screw him”!

Women over 50 Humor!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.  

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen.  Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

 
 
 

 

Oops50 Humor:The Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

The Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:

 

10.)  You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in

    the sack.

 

  9.)  If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it

   again.

 

  8.)  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

 

  7.)  You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you

   some.

 

  6.)  It’s okay if the person you’re with fantasizes you’re

   someone else, because you actually are.

 

  5.) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

 

  4.)  If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next

   door.

 

  3.)  It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and

   groaning.

 

  2.)  There’s a lot less guilt the morning after.

 

  1.)  You can do the whole neighborhood.

jack-o-lantern

 

 
 
 
 

 

 

Oops 50 Humor:You think you’ve got problems in this Economy?

You think you’ve got problems in this Economy?

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the Quarter Ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Oops 50 Humor: A Cowboy named Bud

A Cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPhone, and brings up Google Earth to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email verification that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

Bud says, “That’s right, well, I guess you can take one of my calves”.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow!  That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required”, answered the cowboy.  “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You used latest technical equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep…

Now give me back my dog!