A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little “whoops” and prays that a sales person wasn’t anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he’s good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s. He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh-t when I tell you the price.”
Read all the following numbers slowly and in order, being careful not to miss any:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 and 30
Now aren’t you glad to know that you accomplished something today?
Tomorrow we’ll post the ABC’s.
At St. Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go get her.”
I went to my doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basic questions:
“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the Human Resources department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the midget.”