Ask Johanna: Teenagers, Husbands, and Liars

Dear Johanna,

I’m on my third teenager now, and I’m exhausted.  If I’m not staying up late to wait for one to get home safely, I’m waking up early to make sure another one gets to her SAT study group before school!  I wake up every night at 3 am worrying about their health, their happiness, their chances for wealth in the future.  What can I do?

 Phrantic in Phoenix

 Dear  Phrantic,

This is the problem with precious little babies and toddlers:  inevitably, they turn into teenagers!  I’d say stop worrying, since it does no good anyway–especially about their future wealth!  No matter what you do, they are still going to make a lot of stupid mistakes, maybe get in some trouble, maybe even wind up in jail (you can only hope that’s the worst case scenario!)  And then one glorious day, you’ll suddenly realize that your teenager has become an adult, and you’ll find yourself sobbing uncontrollably in the checkout line at Target over something they did that led you to that conclusion! In the meantime, take a sleeping pill.  I hear Ambien is great.  Just watch out for those late-night refrigerator raids that you won’t remember making!

 Dear Johanna,

My husband loses his wallet or his keys on a daily-sometimes hourly-basis.  And, although he’s an enlightened man who knows better, he still can’t help getting mad at me about it.  How do I get him to see that his keys/wallet/cellphone are his responsibility?

 Lost in Louisiana

 Dear Lost,

You’re not the only thing lost.  This is a lost cause.  If you love him, you’re stuck with this.  There are no devices on the market today that actually work when it comes to helping husbands find things.  None of the little beeping, lighted devices work-because first he has to find that device and push the button to find his keys.  If you love him, and from your tone, I’d say you do, you’re just going to have to suck it up and keep finding things.  Take some valium, darling, you’re in for a long and bumpy ride!

 Dear Johanna,

 When I had my appendix removed about 18 years ago, they told me that I needed to do sit-ups on a regular basis-as well as massage the scar on my stomach-if I didn’t want to end up with a flabby stomach with a scar down the middle of it.  Can I sue the doctor for not holding a gun to my head and making me follow his directions?

 Flabby in Florida

Dear Flabby,

I think that’s a great idea!  Makes me want to sue my midwife who told me to do Kiegels on a regular basis or I might “have some mild difficulty.” I think  you’ve hit on something!  Let me know how the lawsuit turns out, so I can go after those people who write all the articles implying that only a few weird women experience any real problems with menopause.  They’re going down!


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