Ask Johanna

Dear Johanna,


Since entering the throes of menopause, I’ve been waking up every morning with my body covered with hair.  What’s particularly embarrassing are the hairs on my chin that resemble the snout hairs of a pig:  long, white, and tough!  Help! What can I do?

Hairy in Huntsville

Dear Hairy,

I say, let them grow, if for no other reason than the humiliation they will cause your children!  They don’t name us crones for nothing.   Actually, I find tweezers work well, especially when I’m stopped at a stoplight, listening to Barry Manilow on the radio.  I like to pluck in time to “Mandy,” with each hair coming out in the rhythm of “you came and you gave without taking…” Just be careful not to get going too fast because it can hurt when you pluck your skin!


Dear Johanna,

My daughter’s best friend’s mother recently described my house as the “messiest pigpen” she’d ever seen.  What should I do?  And this was after I had even served her cake!

Depressed in Duluth

Dear Depressed,

Next time, serve her leftovers!  I don’t know what to say.  I’m sorry she was so rude to you.  I’ll tell you what I definitely would not do and that’s clean up.  Your house is your castle.  You get to keep it looking any way you want.  I’m over 50,  and I’m on permanent strike from housework.  I never again in my entire life want to do any of the following:  iron, dust, mop or, most of all, cook!


Dear Johanna:

I’ve tried everything I know to bring back the former sexy me:  hormone replacement therapy, natural herbs, acupuncture, physical therapy, mental therapy, the fat flush, Feldenkreis, rolfing, yam cream, giving up coffee, and adding alcohol.  Last week I even tried that Explosive Jelly advertised by the obnoxious couple on TV!  But every time my husband gets interested in you know what, I still can’t help but say, “Do what now?”

Uninterested in Unadilla


Dear Unadilla,

I’m sorry, girl.   But, hey, there’s more to life than sex, right?  You can always learn to knit or play backgammon!   I actually have a solution for you:   tell your husband to try the number one aphrodisiac for women:  get him to sit across from you at a table and listen to your in-depth analysis of everything that’s on your mind that day — and he has to stay focused!  The final foreplay comes from this:  at the end of your whole discussion, he says the following words, “Wow, I’m amazed at how much fun this is.  I could talk like this all night!” If that doesn’t work, I can’t help you.

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