Ask Johanna

Dear Johanna,

I’m writing to ask you if you happen to know of the laws for burying dead husbands in Wyoming.  Not that my husband will be dying any time soon.  I’m just wondering.  Is it legal to bury him in the backyard of our ranch, without a tombstone?  I don’t want to attract any unnecessary attention (he’s really a shy kind of guy), and I certainly don’t want to get in trouble with the law, if you know what I mean.

Wondering in Wyoming

Dear Wondering,

I’m with you, girlfriend. I only have three words for you:  Location, Location, Location. You want to make sure that you bury him upstream from your local water source and far enough away from any main road.  And a good time for this activity might be the middle of the night.  I heard shovels are on special at Home Depot this month, but, please, whatever happens, you didn’t hear this from me.

Dear Johanna,

How many pairs–and what type–of black pants should a stylish woman of a certain age  have in her closet?  I have 10 pairs, in sizes ranging from 12 to 22, and some still have the tags on them!

Stylish in Syracuse

Dear Stylish,

My friend, Helga, says any well-dressed woman over fifty should have at least 2 pairs of black pants for every day of the week, just in case she laughs a lot.  As for the style, I always prefer elastic waistbands to allow for frequent changes in my BMI index.  However, I do keep a few inspirational side-zipped Ann Taylor black pants for those occasions when I’ve spent a rare month drinking protein shakes 5 times a day.

Dear Johanna,

I’m so embarassed about my memory now.  How do I explain to my best friend of 30 years that I forgot her husband’s name when I was giving the toast at their 25th wedding anniversary at the house of their oldest daughter (whose name escapes me at the moment)?

Forgetful in Florida

Dear Forgetful,

Sorry.  What was your question?


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