Annice
Last week, I went to Cleveland to spend time with my aging dad. There was concern–because he fell a few times and could not get up. While I was visiting, various family members made comments such as, “he’s frail, he needs a walker; he might be depressed; he shouldn’t be driving,” etc. And what did I find? Some of the above, but not all. It’s just not that simple.
To know what’s going on, I decided not to depend on the observations of others. When I got the chance to talk to my dad alone (about driving, falling, not wanting to use the walker, etc.), he sat back in his big leather chair, looked me right in the eye, and said, “I wasn’t prepared. I just wasn’t prepared to get old like this and not be able to do the things I want and need to do. I can’t believe it.”
My heart ached for my dad, yet, at the same time, I turned selfishly to my own needs. I immediately started thinking about what I can do to prepare myself so I won’t end up like him at 84. I started to make a list in my head of things I need to do to be more vigilant about my life, like walking, more yoga, better diet, more sleep, and on and on. No time to lose. But then I realized the physical is just one aspect of our life, and, no matter how critical it is, there is more, so much more, that it is hard to talk about. So, while it was a little uncomfortable to talk about such intimate issues with my dad, I knew that I could. We have that history.
I began with the driving: I reminded him thatabout 6 months ago he made the decision NOT to drive at night. I told him I believed he would use the same good sense to decide when he couldn’t drive any more – period. I drove quite a bit with him while I was home, and in fact, let him drive me to the airport on the highway. No problem. And yes, he is frail. He’s 84, with a lot of arthritis, so when he fell, he didn’t have the strength to lift himself up. Solution, we got him the life alert. 
Of course he’s not happy about it, but because his children spent their money on it, he feels compelled to use it. He wouldn’t want to waste our money. As for the walker, he says he will use it more. We shall see.
And now for the depression. Well, he wasn’t prepared for his decline. And neither was Philip Roth’s anti-hero in Everyman, published in 2006. Quoting Roth to my dad actually made him laugh. Roth says “getting old is not a battle, it’s a massacre.” My dad was not prepared for said massacre, so he’s a little depressed. Then, there’s the fact that he lost his sister barely a month ago, leaving him without any siblings; not to mention that most of his friends are dying off. Isn’t he allowed to grieve? Can’t he be sad for a while? Oh, did I mention he’s just getting over shingles, and his wife will be on dialysis soon? Can’t he be sad about that? And for the record, my dad lives in Cleveland. Have you ever spent a winter there? Brutal.
Leave the man alone, I say.
To purchase Everyman by Phillip Roth, check out this website of an independent bookseller: http://www.malaprops.com/book/9780618735167.
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- I Wanted to Write about my Dad on Father’s Day and Now it’s Too Late.
- Dad’s Hungarian Goulash
- The Year of Sick Friends
- Happy New Year 2010!
- Father’s Day: Significant Family Memories
Tags: Aging Parents, driving at night, Everyman, life alert, Philip Roth
Thank you to my sister’s Annice and Minda. As the oldest of the sibling’s I have a little bit of a different role or maybe it is just the “oldest” syndrom. I am the only daughter that has children. I have a son who is 31 living in LA. My daughter is 34 living in cleveland. I am a lot like our father in many ways. He is a great teacher, he is a noble man and like any human being has made mistakes. His kindness and giving of himself out weighs any mistakes that he has endured. At 59 I have had the longest relationship with him. I have lived in Albuquerque, NM for about 27 years. Before that I lived in Florida for almost 3 years.
Having chilren has enriched not only my life but the life of our father. He now gets to see his great grandchildren who live in Cleveland weekly and that gives him such happiness. When I call he will say, “you should of seen your grandsons” they are wonderful”. I speak to my dad about 3 times a week, it is something I have done all my life. Minda is doing a great job, but is it a “job”? No, Annice, Minda and myself love our father more than we can describe. We would do anything for him. My sister’s are right, being stubborn I feel has kept him going, really, Minda
has great patience and I know he loves having her there. I have a chronic illness that I have had for 15 years. As my dad ages and is less mobile I am trying to do things different. Our dad is not that depressed anymore but as Annice stated, he had good reason. I know by speaking to him that the “end” is always on his mind and he worries about all of us. I told him all his children will be ok. I go into Cleveland 3 to 4 times a year and with Annice, we try to now go in at the same time, we have a ball. As I said to my dad last time I was in, “we will all be okay, take care of yourself, I will see you soon”, we hugged and kissed and he said, “i now know you all will” and he hugged tighter. We both laughed as i told him to not make Minda too nervous, please use your cane. One last funny note, I asked my grandson Jacob how poppa is doing, he is 8. he said ” nanny, poppa is doing much better, he was not using his cane when I was there”. I just had to laugh!
Thank you for your post. We are going through some of the same issues with my dad. Today, I drove him and my stepmother to two doctors appointments; I’ll do it again on Thursday and next Tuesday. I’m happy that he doesn’t put up a fuss; today he introduced me to a friend as his chauffeur (and his daughter), which was fine with me. He is 89 and has multiple health problems, as does my stepmother. They are looking forward to going to his sister’s 100th birthday party in July. She lives alone and is still going strong. I agree with you about quality of life and making yourself as healthy as possible for your later years. I also believe that it is somewhat relative to the individual. I’ll never be too old for a good book, conversation, or memory — as long as I have the capacity to enjoy them. For others, a life of intense physical activity might be as hard to give up. Annie
Nice report,You discover something totally new every day.
As the youngest sister living in Cleveland, I sent the call for all to come and visit our father. True, since his sister’s death, he has experienced a decline in motivation and mobility. He is a stubborn as it gets and I hope that I will be the same. It’s challenging to be the sibling here that oversee’s things. I volunteered for the job though, moving from New Mexico with my husband back to Cleveland. I guess it’s the Social Worker in me. If i followed through on what others suggested I inform my father about;whether it be to use the walker, don’t drive anymore etc…i would be another nuisance and that is what i don’t want to be. I agree with Annice regarding letting him make his own decisions but I also have to be cautious as I am the voice for my siblings. I call him about once weekly and see him every weekend. I don’t need to be overbearing or hover over his every move. I have decided some time ago that I will only have specific conversations with him that identify health and safety issues and we have discussed this. I will not be talking about the driving issue with him and I will not be insisting on getting him linked to other services that caring people have recommended to me. My father is one of the most dignified people I know and to remove that from him is not only painful for him, but something that I don’t have to see right now…but certainly later as his condition deteriorates and takes on a life of it’s own. Spending quality time with him is my priority and if I can make him more comfortable, do my best to ensure his health and safety without removing his dignity then I have done what is needed. As I was leaving his house one day I said to him,” Dad is there anything else you need right now?” As I bent to kiss him goodbye he took my face and said, ” I just need you to be Minda”. You can’t beat that!!
Thank you for your article. We are all facing the aging and decline and death of our parents at this age and I think what Michelle said, about adjusting to the stages of life, is very important. We worry about our parents’ adjusting to the difficulties of aging, but I think we are all having similar issues adjusting to this stage, the stage when we have to think about them, instead of relying on them to think about us as they always have.
My other thought in response to your article is that it is the humiliation our parents feel that is hardest for them to take. My mother wouldn’t wear a hearing aid because it made her look old, she felt embarrassed by her age and the accessories that go with it. I think that is why your father is uncomfortable using the lifeline or his walker, even though they actually improve the quality of his life if he can look at it that right way. My father insisted on doing his own finances, because his wife and daughters had, quite frankly, never known anything about managing finances while he was still their caretaker. But he no longer understood his finances and he fell victim to scams more often than he fell physically or had a fender bender, which were both more prevalent as he got older. We, his respectful and loving daughters, were so frustrated worrying about these things that we began to lose respect for his competence. And that, I believe, is the greatest humiliation. I don’t know that I’ll be able to do it, but I hope, with all my heart, that I will be able to tell my children that I know I am unable to manage my finances, or whatever else there is that causes me confusion and dismay. I hope that I will get my own hearing aid, before they notice that I need one. I hope that I will hire a driver when I realize I’m having too many senior moments behind the wheel. I hope that I will do these things, because I’d rather do them first than have my ittie bitty babies, grown up but still my babies, notice my incompetency and have to persuade, cajole or humiliate me into doing something about it.
annice, i can hear uncle sanford saying those exact words. but who is prepared. just as we were the invincible 16 year old once upon a time, we were not prepared for college, the workforce, marriage, children, etc…. until we got to that stage of life and got used to it. i am sure it’s the same with becoming 70, 80, 90, and hopefully 100. we need to experience whatever part of life it is and just go with it. we learn how to adapt somehow. we have so far. there may really be no preparation at all other than doing what we do at any age or stage. like you said eat right and exercise our body and mind. keep stimulated and as healthy as possible. that is the key , i think. great article !!!! love you mich
Yes – a meaningful life, that’s worth living. I will say this, there is a huge difference between 75 and 84 (as my dad is) so do as much with him (and your mom) as you can. I will try to think of a Mother’s Day book.
Brilliant Annice. I ordered Roth’s 2006 book for Father’s Day. What do you have for Mother’s Day? Last night my folks stopped by after dinner with friends to pick up this copy of HEALING CANCER FROM THE INSIDE OUT which I got from the library. The battery in their car died right in front of my place, so I pulled my car around and got out the jumper cables (he trained me well). Then he had to run up to my bathroom and on his way out said he missed getting there in time. My father is 75. Aging is aging. We all think it’s important to live long lives. I think it is important to live meaningful lives. To spend hours that bring us joy and connection. Something time spent with you, either in person or words always provides. Thank you!