Annice

This is one of my favorite recipe’s from my dear friend Va at Sheville.org.  I tried to make this Tequila Christmas Cake recipe for Chanukah again this year, but it didn’t work out so well.  So, I’m trying again for New Year’s Day.  Here goes:

 Ingredients 

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Sample the tequila to check quality.  Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be  sure it is of the highest quality.  Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.  Beat again.  At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.  Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.  Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.  Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.  Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360s and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat off the turner.  Finally, throw the bowl through the window.  Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Too Much Tequila

Pahhpy New Gears!

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Every autumn, it’s the same thing: it takes me a while to get used to the idea that all the leaves will fall from the trees, it’s going to get cold, and winter is coming.

I have never lived in a place where there were NOT four seasons, so why does it come as a shock each and every year?

Maybe it’s simply because I don’t like to be cold!

Here’s a joke that I find funny ever time I read it:

On a small iceberg, somewhere near the North Pole, a little bear goes up to his mother and asks, “Mom, what kind of bear am I?”

“You are a polar bear, son,” replies his mother.

“Are you sure I am not a brown bear?” he asks.

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“Quite sure, son,” she replies, “you are a polar bear.”

But the little bear is not satisfied. “Mom,” he says, “maybe I am a grizzly bear?”

“What are you asking these questions for, son?” asks his mother. “You are a polar bear.”

So the little bear walks across the iceberg to his father.

“Pop,” he says, “am I a panda bear?”

“No, son,” says the father, “you are a polar bear.”

“Not a koala bear?” asks the baby bear.

“No, you are a polar bear,” says his father. “Why are you asking all these questions?”

“Because,” moans the little bear, “I’m cold!”

So postponing the inevitable is why I like to have as many Zinnia’s around me as possible.  They seem to continue to bloom and flower until the first hard frost, which around here can be in November.  They require nothing more than putting some seed in the ground once the Spring frosts are behind, and then continue to sow some in little corners until mid-Summer.  Oh, and deadhead when needed, saving the spent flowers to use for next year’s blooms.

Remembering to do this is not hard, once you’ve experienced the joy of their colorful blooms.

Wishing you Well,

Sadhvi

Zinnias from a few days ago!

MAXINE'S JOHN WAGNER

Maxine can still crack me up.  Like her, there was always someone around in the family who called a spade a spade.  In the “politically correct” times we’ve been living in, and now, where EVERYTHING IS AWESOME, I can appreciate Maxine’s character even more.  Because most of the people who used to be like her are gone.  And I know I should watch Jon Stewart, but I don’t have a TV.

The other day while at the market, I saw a young girl, maybe 11 or 12 years old, hugging a colorful book to her chest.  I asked her if I could see the title of the book.  It was, The Book of Awesome.  Her mother was behind her, and I asked what the book was about?  She said that every kid is reading it, and her daughter just loves it.  Nothing wrong with love, but this book even has its own Wikipedia page.  Now how weird is that?  What a peculiar thing, that there is a book written for people to read, about things like:

Snow Days, Bakery Air, Finding Money in Your Pocket and Other Simple, Brilliant Things

I wonder what Maxine is gonna have to say about it?

Hey, I might actually read this New York Times bestseller and start to wear a t-shirt with the cover on the front, and start carrying the book around, hugging it!

So who is the person behind Maxine’s character?  The following is taken from the Hallmark website:

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when “fill in the pumpkins” was about the extent of his art classes at St. John ‘s Catholic School in Leonia, New Jersey.

When Hallmark launched the Shoebox card line back in 1986, nobody knew that the crabby character gracing the covers of a few cards would become a celebrity.  It didn’t take long for Maxine’s irreverent quips about aging, the workplace, retirement, political correctness, and of course sex (or the lack of it) had struck a cord.

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“If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I’m happy.  Putting a smile on someone’s face is what it’s all about.”

Why the name ‘Maxine’?

“People at Shoebox started referring to the character as “John Wagner’s old lady”, and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,” John says.  So the Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested “Maxine”.   John says the name is perfect.  He’s also humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, and admits he’s proud of her.

So now you know!

Enjoy,

Sadhvi

SADHVI

It’s been an intense time on the planet this past week.  Mercury is still retrograde, but will finally be going direct tomorrow.  Then there was an earthquake that was pretty severe on the east coast.  Whoa!  While we’re being told it’s not unusual, being from the east coast, I can say that it is.  And while I’m thinking about it, does anyone see any cause and effect with the incredible amount of high-powered blasting through the shale in the ground, otherwise known as fracking, to get to all that natural gas under the shale, in order to create a huge pipeline through some of the poorest areas of America, and this earthquake?

OH MORNING GLORY!

If you’ve clicked on the link to the word “earthquake” above, you will see an ad from Exxon-Mobil before the CNN clip, on the “safety” of fracking.  I know I felt better after watching some executive from that company tell me in a soft and smooth voice that it’s all done very safely.  I mean, how could blasting through shale with high-pressure, chemical-filled water (that is being taken from – where?) do anything to the earth.  I wonder if maybe Mother Nature is getting back.

Now there’s this huge, and in the words of  President Obama, “historical” hurricane Irene, that looks really scary that is about to hit the eastern coast.  I know, I know, we’re not supposed to talk about stuff like that…sorry!  It’s just kind of intense looking!

But it was also wonderfully thrilling to eat the first of the second batch of raspberries from my garden this week,  and the many very ripe figs off our tree (thank you Judi for your tip on how to increase the yield last fall – it worked!), to smell the intoxicating fragrance of the kudzu flowers, and roses still blooming.  And it’s always very good to spend time with our 11 hens, all named after my mom, Sally.

KUDZU FLOWER

HERITAGE RASPBERRY'S

INSIDE MY FIG TREE

And a good laugh is always welcome, so here’s a joke that I had never heard before, that cracked me up.

Enjoy!

Sadhvi

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.  He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” 

The immediate silence in the entire bar is almost tangible.  In a deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know a few things:

1.  The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2.  The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3.  I am 6 feet tall, weigh 195 pounds, and have a black belt in karate, and am a natural blonde.

4.  The woman sitting next to me is  blonde and is a professional weight lifter.  And lastly, the lady to your right is also blonde and a well-known professional wrestler.  Now, think about it for a moment, Cowboy, do you really want to tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a few seconds, shakes his head, and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

SALLY HENS

Minda

Our guest blogger this week is, Minda Brown Jaramillo, from Cleveland, Ohio.  She recently moved back there after spending 10 years in the Southwest.  She has been employed as a Licensed Independent Social Worker for the past 26 years and is currently managing programs for Women in Recovery.  She enjoys reading, traveling, listening to music, and movies.  She has been married for 15 years and has two dogs.

I think I’m addicted to my iPhone.  After 2 Droids (the original and its upgrade), I was really tired of spending money on something I wasn’t satisfied with.  I’m amazed by my iPhone’s speed, accuracy, and how the touch screen for texting is so right on.  I also love the general easiness of its functionality.

Using my iPhone

How do I know I may be addicted?  I am a licensed clinical social worker and work with addicts on a daily basis. In order to be diagnosed, there is a little book called the DSM IV Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders that provides clues as to whether you meet criteria for this.  Although I don’t believe in labeling people, it does give one a good point of departure to work from.  Here’s a sample of some of the questions the book asks regarding addiction: “A maladaptive pattern of use leading to significant impairment or distress manifested by three of the following in a 12 year period:

1. Have you gone through withdrawal?  Wow…I don’t know yet because I’m never without my phone.  I can only surmise that I would go through withdrawal or, at the very least, panic if I did not have it.

2. Have you build up a tolerance? Hmmm….well, I guess since a phone is nothing I can ingest orally or through injection to determine if I’ve built up a tolerance; I can determine that I use it more than I used to, not to mention others have told me the same thing.

3. Have I given up important activities or relationships that I would normally participate in or a failure to fulfill normal obligations? Well, I think I’m safe with this one.  I wouldn’t stay home to be with my iPhone. I’d just take it with me.

4. Have I suffered any consequences, legal or otherwise due to using my phone?  I don’t think so, although again, I am conscious to not text while driving.  However, I will look to see if I’ve received any emails.  I do have to be careful while in business meetings to not focus on my iPhone.

5. Is there a great amount of time spent trying to get to my phone?  Well again, I’m really never without it.

6. Have I suffered a physical or psychological disturbance that is exacerbated by its use? No, I can honestly say I have not.

7. So the good news for me is (according to the DSM IV book) since I haven’t had my iPhone for a 12 month period, I’m in the clear – at least until the new iPhone comes out in September which is supposed to rival all other phones on the market.

Check with me a year from now and it may be an entirely different story.

No Signs of Recovery!

Annice

There it is – I said it: I don’t garden.  Never did.  Don’t want to, don’t have time to, don’t want to make the time – until l I retire – maybe.  I know gardening is the favorite past-time of baby boomers, but I’m just not that into it.   I dreamed my house was surrounded by beautiful plants and flowers blooming all about, bordered by superbly arranged hedges brilliantly designed by a landscape architect (green, of course).

My Dream

But the truth is, I’d rather do yoga, read a book, walk my dog, work on my novel, or plan a dinner party.

I wish my house had a vegetable garden with a variety of edible plants right outside my door.  And I would love to walk outside swinging a basket in my arms to gather strawberries, blueberries, tomatoes, and watercress, but then again, I’d have to sow in order to reap.  Last year, my dear friend and expert gardener Sadhvi, helped me grow various lettuces and herbs in potted plants for my deck.  She educated me and set me up, and I’ll be darned if I didn’t have lettuce and herbs all summer long.  But now, I can’t even get it together to do that.  So, I went to the garden shop and bought colorful plants (don’t ask me what they are) and I will re-pot them and display them on my deck so I can sit and relax in the privacy of my home.

Front yard

By the way, I must also confess that my yard needs a ton of work.  I looked on the HGTV site to see if by chance I could nominate myself for an extreme outdoor makeover but couldn’t find that option on the website.  I’m so desperate.  If you know of a contest for outdoor landscaping, please let me know.  You see, I live on a mountain, so I’ve convinced myself and everyone else that I don’t need any landscaping because I’m a firm believer in the school of “natural habitat.” In case you’re thinking, OMG, I’m so glad I don’t live next to her, you can’t see my house from the road.  It’s down a big hill (the one my husband slipped on during the snow storm in January and broke his hip), and no one can see it.

Back yard

Last year's deck - will try again

A RARE MEDICAL CONDITION

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading his book.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently.

Although assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.  A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently.  Are you okay?”

The woman replied, “I am sorry if I disturbed you.  I have a rare medical condition.  Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious and asked, “I have never heard of that condition before.  Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded and said, “Yes, black pepper”.

THE BRIDGE

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, “God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?”

SADHVI

As a women over 50, the time has come where all I crave is Artisana’s Raw Organic Coconut Butter and laughter.  Items that are newsworthy are so bizarre these days that to write about what feels important to pass along is absurd.  So this week, I thought I would share an old Johnny Carson skit that made me chuckle and feel good.  I hope it does the same for you – enjoy!

Annice

I don’t get it.  The economy is hurting, people are losing their homes, the shelters are begging for winter jackets and food for the homeless, and the Malls are packed.  How do I know this?  Every day, I pass the Mall on my way to and from work, and these days the parking lot is full.  So, tonight, I decided to stop by to see if people were actually Christmas shopping or just hanging out.

Serious Shoppers

And guess what?  Cha-ching, Cha-ching, Cha-ching – those cash registers were working overtime.   People were actually spending money and toting around the shopping bags to prove it.Plus, they were waiting in line at the Food Court for bad Mall food, bad Chinese, bad pizza, bad fries.

Bad Mall Food

Now, I don’t know about other women friends over 50, but this year I’m cutting back and making my gifts with my dear friend Sadhvi (if we can ever find the time to do it). This will not only enable me to save money, and feel crafty, but it will get me away from the dreaded shopping frenzy.  Please don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the holiday spirit as much as ya’ll – well, maybe not AS much since I’m Jewish and don’t really have to,  but what I want to know is where is everyone getting the money to shop, shop, shop and load up on bad Mall food?

Personally, if I didn’t feel so strongly about supporting the local business owners, I’d do more on-line shopping.  After all, it has its advantages.

Advantages to shopping on-line

 ”That will be $9.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke…”
 
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same…”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change .

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

 
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress, “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right, whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big bottom and long legs who agrees with everything I say” .

The moral of the story is: Be careful what you ask for!

I started meditating in 1979 I guess, and have tried to find that space since then through love, laughter, friends, painting, gardening, and of course food.  I saw this little video of Puppetji and laughed…I hope you do too!

Annice

Given all the fuss a post or two ago about Oprah looking for women obsessed with aging and beauty, I am happy to turn that page and introduce you to a beautiful and creative  woman over 50 who is far too busy creating cards and more for us women over 50 than being obsessed with aging.   Meet Diane English, a self-taught artist who owned a metaphysical book store in St. Augustine, Florida before moving to Asheville, NC 10 years ago.   After reading The Artist’s Way by Julie Cameron, Diane decided to follow her dream of combining art with her spiritual path allowing her to embark on the next phase of her life.  After visiting her in her studio and seeing many of her cool, cosmic characters, I’d say she is living her dream – minus the downtown condo she covets.

Diane at play, oops, I mean work.

Diane is the owner and creator of  The Great Cosmic Happy Ass Card Co, and if you’ve never received one of her cards, send yourself one.  Why not?  They’re inspiring, whimsical and just plain old kick-ass funny.  This is one of my favorites. This beautiful woman over 50 has aspired to achieve a higher consciousness along her journey, and not without some help from “years of deep meditation, medication, fasting, prayer and a few bottles of Merlot.”  Having had a subscription to her cards,  I knew I was in for a treat when we finally sat down in her lovely bright living room drinking coffee and nibbling scones.

Oops50: What made you finally decide to leave Florida and your bookstore, “Dream Street,” and go into the card business?

Diane: About once every 7 years, I did a painting, and one of them was titled, “Reach for Your Stars.” That became my first card, and it sold out in my bookstore.  Then, I made more cards and magnets, and soon those sales were accounting for 20% of my gross revenue.  That’s when the big box book stores moved in, and I took that as sign to make a change.

Oops50: Kind of like the movie, “You’ve Got Mail.”

Diane: You got it.

Oosp50: How did you come up with the business name, Great Cosmic Happy Ass Co. ?

Diane: I really wanted to use smart ass but I didn’t feel I could really do that.  So, my customers helped me pick the name.

Oops50:  So now I’m going to change the subject a little.  What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Diane: My grandfather carrying me on his shoulders while walking me to the zoo.  He was Irish and English, and we lived in Philly and walked everywhere.  When we got to the zoo, there was a blackbird in a cage at the entrance and he said, “Hi, I’m Joe.”

Oops50: What’s was the first record you bought? Diane: It’s a tie between Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto and Bill Haley and the Comets.

Oops50: Any advice for women over 50?

Diane: Well, I’m well over 50 – 68 in fact.  Don’t listen to anyone.  Follow your heart and do what you want to do.  Don’t be intimidated by the “should’s” in life.  Oh yeah, and keep your nose out of other people’s business.

Oops50:  Right.  I need to remember that.  So what turns you on?

Diane: A romantic dinner in an Italian restaurant, with Luciano Pavarotti singing in the background.

Oops50: So you like Italian?

Diane: I had an aunt who married an Italian, and I remember wonderful Italian dinners.  And I like to cook Italian food–outrageously delicious.

Oops50: What next?  Any new dreams?

Diane: A downtown condo with a large patio and a great view of the mountains of Western NC.  It should have a cable railing, a fireplace on the left side, a kitchen behind that, and a loft upstairs.  The light will be clean and beautiful.  And, don’t forget Rachmaninoff playing in the background.

Oops50: Any must have products you can’t live without?

Diane: My Netflix subscription and Roku, so I can download old movies.

Oops50: So what’s your favorite movie?

Diane: “Casablanca.”  And have you seen “Sunshine Cleaning?”  A very funny movie.

Oops50: So what’s Roku?

Diane: It’s great.  A little black box that lets you stream movies from Netflix.  It’s great.

Oops50: I’ll check it out.  Last question:  Any regrets so far?

Diane: Only that I didn’t know in my 20s what I know now.  And, that I don’t have the same body as I did in my 20’s.

Oops50: Who does?

Oh, this YouTube clip expains everything.

Take a look at how this horrible ecological disaster is being handled by BP executives, and the big chief, Kevin Costner.  I wonder if Obama finds any humor in that?!

Sadhvi

Everyone I know is either taking yoga, doing yoga, training to become a yoga instuctor, or thinking about all of the above. Growing up there was only Jack Lalanne, so I think the trend is a good sign that we all want to feel good as we get older!
Here is a clip I found that shows my own personal workout that I do right along with the Ross Sisters. It looks a lot harder than it is. Try it yourself and see if you don’t start feeling a lot more flexible in no time!

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and

cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this

building!”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again!  If I get burritos one

more time, I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna sandwich, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping.  She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.  The blonde’s wife said, “Don’t look at me! He makes his own lunch!”

Sadhvi

I tried to fax one piece of paper to a client of mine today.  It didn’t go through.  Hmmm, I called her to tell her that there seemed to be a problem.  I asked her if she had gotten any faxes recently?  She said no, that actually, she had never received one; she just sends faxes on occasion.  Well, she tried to find out if she could get it working, and couldn’t.  Too bad, right?

Then I emailed a terrific coupon to a friend of mine  from the local health food store: a pound of organic coffee and a big package of granola for free, with any purchase – wow!  My friend wrote me back saying thanks, but her printer wasn’t working today.  Darn!

iPhone

My husband rarely gets any bars around where we live with his iPhone because the service is so bad with AT&T.  But it’s supposed to be so great now that our area has finally got 3G service, and now I see they even offer 4G service – oh boy!  It never makes any sense to me as to why someone would want a cell phone with little or no coverage, unless it was really just a toy, which it is.  I had one for about 3 days, which was the limit of my patience with no coverage.  Strange enough though, the comments I got from people just seeing me holding that worthless phone were kind of funny…they all thought I looked cool holding it!

Then I get an email from a friend saying I should check out this system called EVERNOTE that says it will help me  ”Remember everything”.  Now that is a tempting proposal, but really, just looking at their web site just made my migraine worse (click on the big bold EVERNOTE link above and see if you don’t get an immediate reaction to run away.  I double dare you.)

I cannot handle another thing to make my life simpler, and that includes hearing about it either…including, but not limited to: Kindle, the latest Smart Phone, the new GPS device, getting more business using Twitter, or any of the  other new and wonderful Social Media that keeps making me feel like I have to keep up…that’s it, I think I have reached my limit!

Instead of trying to keep up with the latest s0-called technology, I am going to go back to what I enjoy the most: recipes and gardening.  And being curious about other people…maybe I will start to interview my interesting friends and family for a while.

Now excuse me, I have to go through the emails that came in while I was writing this post before they build up to the point where it becomes my new part-time job.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he’s good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s.  He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh-t when I tell you the price.”

1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   10   11   12   13   14   15   16   17   18   19   20   21   22   23   24   25   26   27   28   29   and 30

Good! 

Now aren’t you glad to know that you accomplished something today?

Tomorrow we’ll post the ABC’s.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,  “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go get her.”

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender!  Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch!

Or that my brain is too full, trying to remember who only gets email at their home address, or who only answers text messages, or who doesn’t get cell phone coverage on their iPhone to even get their emails or messages? Or even, who doesn’t respond to anything any more! It’s funny, in this age where the whole hype of social media, and how to be connected is all that people talk about–as if it’s a game to see who has the “latest” gadget–I am becoming more and more disinterested in staying in touch with “friends”.

The truth is, FaceBook was ok when I had a hundred or so friends, but now that I have almost 300, I cannot keep up with what is happening with them all. And frankly, I don’t even care.

I don’t think I will be getting a smart phone any time soon. I really don’t want to take pictures with my phone: I have a really good digital camera that works fine. And I don’t want to type emails to anyone with that ridiculously small keypad. I have a computer with a keyboard the size that I have been typing my whole life on and feel comfortable with. Why change if I am fine with what I have? And why would I want to send and receive text messages? If I want to chat with someone, I can email, pick up the phone, or if I really want to take a little vacation from my day, I can actually sitdown and write a letter or send one of the many beautiful cards I have collected over the years, or even one of my own hand-painted cards.

Here is a little clip for those that dare see where we are going, or should I say, where some people are going – because I may just stay where I am, with the technology that I have.

P.S. Oh, if you feel like it, I would really like to know where YOU are with all that is available to us and costs a small fortune, I might add! Are you trying to keep up? Have you decided that you are ok with just a computer and a cell phone too?

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims,

“If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”.

The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”.

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

“If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”.

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”.

Sadie’s 90 year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

“Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,  ”Screw him”!

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen.  Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

10.)  You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in

    the sack.

  9.)  If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it

   again.

  8.)  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

  7.)  You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you

   some.

  6.)  It’s okay if the person you’re with fantasizes you’re

   someone else, because you actually are.

  5.) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

  4.)  If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next

   door.

  3.)  It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and

   groaning.

  2.)  There’s a lot less guilt the morning after.

  1.)  You can do the whole neighborhood.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the Quarter Ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPhone, and brings up Google Earth to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email verification that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

Bud says, “That’s right, well, I guess you can take one of my calves”.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow!  That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required”, answered the cowboy.  “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You used latest technical equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep…

Now give me back my dog!

30% of women think their ass is too fat

10% of women think their ass is too skinny

The remaining 60% say they don’t care:  they love him, he’s a good man, and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But, the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Melvin?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

Since entering the throes of menopause, I’ve been waking up every morning with my body covered with hair.  What’s particularly embarrassing are the hairs on my chin that resemble the snout hairs of a pig:  long, white, and tough!  Help! What can I do?

Hairy in Huntsville

Dear Hairy,

I say, let them grow, if for no other reason than the humiliation they will cause your children!  They don’t name us crones for nothing.   Actually, I find tweezers work well, especially when I’m stopped at a stoplight, listening to Barry Manilow on the radio.  I like to pluck in time to “Mandy,” with each hair coming out in the rhythm of “you came and you gave without taking…” Just be careful not to get going too fast because it can hurt when you pluck your skin!

Dear Johanna,

My daughter’s best friend’s mother recently described my house as the “messiest pigpen” she’d ever seen.  What should I do?  And this was after I had even served her cake!

Depressed in Duluth

Dear Depressed,

Next time, serve her leftovers!  I don’t know what to say.  I’m sorry she was so rude to you.  I’ll tell you what I definitely would not do and that’s clean up.  Your house is your castle.  You get to keep it looking any way you want.  I’m over 50,  and I’m on permanent strike from housework.  I never again in my entire life want to do any of the following:  iron, dust, mop or, most of all, cook!

Dear Johanna:

I’ve tried everything I know to bring back the former sexy me:  hormone replacement therapy, natural herbs, acupuncture, physical therapy, mental therapy, the fat flush, Feldenkreis, rolfing, yam cream, giving up coffee, and adding alcohol.  Last week I even tried that Explosive Jelly advertised by the obnoxious couple on TV!  But every time my husband gets interested in you know what, I still can’t help but say, “Do what now?”

Uninterested in Unadilla

Dear Unadilla,

I’m sorry, girl.   But, hey, there’s more to life than sex, right?  You can always learn to knit or play backgammon!   I actually have a solution for you:   tell your husband to try the number one aphrodisiac for women:  get him to sit across from you at a table and listen to your in-depth analysis of everything that’s on your mind that day — and he has to stay focused!  The final foreplay comes from this:  at the end of your whole discussion, he says the following words, “Wow, I’m amazed at how much fun this is.  I could talk like this all night!” If that doesn’t work, I can’t help you.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.  Be someplace else later.

Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.   It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we’re off the hook.