Annice

I’ve heard from some baby boomers that high school reunions are nothing but a terrifying rite of passage, but for me, four decades after graduation, it was a blast.

It started with the preparation and anticipation of going back.  I think I received the first announcement (at least 6 months before the event) from our uber organizer and former majorette, Lynn.  Preparation for the Reunion would not be without challenges for me.  After all, there was pressure in high school and it didn’t have to do with grades.  Grades?  That was the easy part.  My anxiety came from the lack of dates and boyfriends.   I scored a big zero in that department so why wouldn’t I feel a tiny bit of pressure?  I’m not perfect, you know.  Then, there was the issue of what to wear.  I prayed I would find the most flattering outfit I could fit this 50 something body into short of liposuction in time for the Reunion.   Thank you very much J. Jill.  

40 years later

So why would I go to my 40^th reunion?  Simple, I wanted to reconnect with people I shared my youth with – after all, I spent the most formidable years of my life with these 480 kids with raging hormones.  You see, I grew up in Mayfield Hts., Ohio, attended Mayfield Rd. Elementary School, Mayfield Jr. High and Mayfield Senior High school as did my two sisters, my brother, and my five cousins.   Oh yeah, I must also confess, I love stories and the Reunion was filled with them – stories of former cheerleaders, majorettes, football heroes, wrestling champions, thespians, and merit scholars.  There were stories about divorce, ex-husbands and their girlfriends, children, step-kids, ageing parents, dead parents, and even dogs (yes, baby boomers love their dogs).

The first night we all met at a bar which I thought was a brilliant idea.  It facilitated the initial shock of seeing each other grown up.  Understand, I hadn’t seen or in most cases, thought about my classmates in 40 years.  Well, that’s not exactly true because many of us have been reconnecting on facebook in anticipation of the Reunion.    Another brilliant idea was posting our graduation picture on our nametags.  Purposely, I kept reading glasses in my pocket so I wouldn’t have to squint all night to read the nametags and distinguish the photos.

my reading glasses

The first night, all I could think of was who were all these people hugging, and saying hello with huge smiles across their faces,  and why didn’t I recognize them right away?  Too fat, too skinny, too gray, too many wrinkles?  And of course, they were thinking the same things about me.

Saturday night was the banquet and so much dancing and gabbing and I must’ve been having a great time because I didn’t get home until 3:00 a.m. –  just like old times.  And memories, so many memories and laughs that made it all worth it  My advice, if you get a chance to go to your Reunion – don’t miss it.  Life is short.

Annice

.

It seems like the media is never short on scandals about married men behaving badly.  Even Marlo Thomas has written about it.  I admit, I am fascinated by scandals about men in positions of power or men who put themselves up as role models and then get caught with their pants down.  (Check out our archives about other stories I’ve written abut men behaving badly).   And, isn’t it great that wives today (many are women over 50) can decide for themselves whether to stay or go?  But, I am waiting for one of these wives to stand up at a press conference and call her husband a big jerk.

I played a little game with myself to see how many of these jerks I could remember, with little effort, I came up with this list:

• Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) for sexting
• Strauss-Kahn (Director of the IMF) accused of rape
• Schwarzenegger (no explanation needed)
• John Edwards (former Senator and Presidential contender) for having an affair and love child while his wife was dying of cancer
• Newt Gingrich – ditto (minus the love child)
• Governor Sanford (South Carolina) for having an affair who he claimed was his “soul mate”
• Elliot Spitzer former Governor of NY caught in a high-priced prostitution ring
• Tiger Woods professional golfer and admitted sex addict
• Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas (sexual harassment scandal)

Seems like the cure-all for all these boys behaving badly is simply to hold a press conference, tell us they are seeking professional treatment to focus on becoming a better person, and then they’re all better.  Really, Rehab for Jerks?

Rehab for Jerks

Where are they?  I’d like to refer a few.

Annice

Okay, I said I wasn’t going to write about Len’s hip replacement anymore, and I’m not.  But, as a result of our wretched winter, I believe I see a Caribbean Cruise in the very near future for one deserving woman over 50.

I see a Cruise in your future

I’ve never been on a cruise, and honestly, as someone who prided herself in being adventurous, I poo pooed them.  Len, too, felt cruises were rather beneath him.  We both cringed at the idea of being stuck at sea with thousands of strangers trying hard to vacation on an ocean liner.  How appealing could that be, I asked.  Well, now that I’ve had the life force sucked out of me, I’m thinking about being stuck at sea with a boatload of strangers basking  in the sun with Margaritas, lobster salad, spa treatments, yoga classes, trashy magazines, and no email, facebook or cell phones unless I want them.  Even Len is thinking cruise.

Admittedly, watching too much daytime T.V. (while taking care of Len) made me very susceptible to compelling commercials about Carnival Cruises to the Caribbean. In a flash, I saw myself sliding down a giant water slide on the   ship’s pool, and laughing all the way.

Oh yeah!

The seed of desire was planted, and for the past few days I’ve been searching the internet for affordable cruises.  And guess what?  There are so many to choose from.   The one that is calling me leaves from Miami, and then sails  to Belize, Honduras, and Mexico.  I’m certain Len will be ready by May, and as for me, I was ready yesterday.

P.S.  Do you think I could bring Gus?  He could use a vacation, too and he loves to swim.

A RARE MEDICAL CONDITION

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading his book.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently.

Although assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.  A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently.  Are you okay?”

The woman replied, “I am sorry if I disturbed you.  I have a rare medical condition.  Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious and asked, “I have never heard of that condition before.  Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded and said, “Yes, black pepper”.

SADHVI

As a woman over 50, I’m amazed at the number of products and plans to help me stay slim, healthy and young.  As if I better do something now or else I will get old, ugly and fat!

I had the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Weight Watcher’s before I graduated from high school.  I also knew about the state of ketosis, fasting, and complete protein shakes before I started college.

I remember going on a cleanse and becoming a vegetarian in 1978, and believe me, not only was it considered odd, but so was I.

I even had the perfect morning yoga routine down in 1980 when I was 22 years old that incorporated Pilates!  Funny enough though, the older I get the more relaxed I become and all the rituals, along with the “should’s” in my head are disappearing.  And I feel good.

Lately I’m meeting more older women who become instant friends, and after talking with them for a short while, I feel like there is some sort of magical transference of wisdom that makes me smile.

For instance, I met Helene at the Swiss Club that I belong to the other night.  I was hungry and there was this incredibly addicting spinach dip that was mostly sour cream and mayonnaise.

I looked over while dipping my umpteenth pita chip into the dip, and saw Helene doing the same a few feet away.  She looked over at me and we both just laughed.

Helene told me about growing up during WWII, in North Africa, and how they had no food for 2 months and were starving.  It was a very hard time in her life.

We talked about how there are so many people on some sort of prescription drug, and how so many of the commercials on TV are for drugs that make you fall asleep at night.  She laughed, saying she has never had much trouble falling asleep.  She told me that after she gets into bed, she goes back over her day and remembers three wonderful things that happened to her, and then drifts off into a peaceful slumber.  I told her I was going to have to remember to try that; it sounds like something that could become a nice little ritual.

Then I ask Andrea (who turns out to be 72 but looks my age: 52), who was sitting across from me what her secret to looking so fantastic is?   She told me that her only secret is that she never thinks about getting old.  I found this to be quite profound!  I thought she was going to tell us about her daily routine of juicing, meditating, yoga, chanting to the One, and fasting every seventh day because she looked so vibrant!

Instead Andrea simply said that we are all going to die, so why spend so much time preventing it?  She prefers to enjoy it!  She paints, drinks coffee and eats well, but is not fat.

So maybe instead of feeling guilty about anything and often having the thought that I can be better,  I will become more aware of those thoughts, and I will enjoy life, including the spinach dip moments, because they don’t come every day!

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
— Mae West

MAE WEST

Annice

If you recall, over a year ago, I wrote about Gus, my 10 year old Chesapeake Bay Retriever.  We rescued him eight years ago, complete with a bullet underneath his belly.

Gus taking it easy

My post at that time was about how constipated he was and how putting him on prednisone turned him into the dog from hell.  Needless to say, it was a messy time for both of us.

Well, poor Gus is not only constipated again but it’s much worse: perianal fistulas.  When the vet gave me the diagnosis, I immediately went home to research it.  I already knew the condition was painful because poor Gus took forever to poop, and moan while doing it.  Besides the pain, there was the itching, and irritation of the skin surrounding the anus.  Worse still, the poor guy has the beginnings of small ulcers surrounding his anus (I’ll spare you the photos).  Since Gus can’t take prednisone, he has to take an immunosuppressive medication (cyclosporine) which costs almost $300 for a month’s supply, and that’s if I buy it in Canada.  The doctor doesn’t know how long he has to be on it, but Gus doesn’t care than it costs more than my car payment.  Oh, he’s also on an antibiotic, and Flagyl (prescribed for  anti-inflammatory bowel).  And don’t let me forget to mention, he’s also taking Tramadol for pain relief for the ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) connecting the shin bone to the thigh bone.)

Gus at play

Good dog

Despite all that, Gus is still very athletic, eats like it’s his last meal, and scares anyone who comes to the door unannounced.  And most of all, he’s extremely affectionate and worth all my efforts.  Obama care for dogs?  That’s what I’m talking about!

ANNICE THE ARTIST

Being a woman over 50, it’s so nice to have the ability to feel like I am 5 years old just by painting.  I’ve always loved this inner child of mine; it is fresh, full of joy, and feels the closest to what I consider “the real me”.  So I felt lucky when my friend Annice told me she wanted to make her Holiday gifts this year, and wouldn’t it be a great idea to paint on glass bottles over at my house?  Yes!

SADHVI IS HAPPY!

It turns out that you are either someone who jumps into anything creative, or you are not.  Funny enough, the judgemental chatter of the mind of each is the same.  Annice is so full of life that I was surprised when she said she couldn’t paint.  Impossible!  Me on the other hand, I just love the process, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a masterpiece or not.  How wonderful it was to see Annice go beyond her mind’s judgments and create some pretty cool designs.  We listened to some good music, enjoyed yummy snacks, drank schnapps, and laughed a lot!  Time stopped for us that Sunday afternoon and it felt rejuvenating.  I hope you make the time for your inner child on a regular basis – it’s fun!

One of my favorite artist’s is Georgia O’Keefe, and this is one of my favorite quotes from her:

“I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life – and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.”
Georgia O’Keeffe

TA DA!

Sadhvi

It seems the thought of winter gets a little bit harder to imagine every year.  We had a glorious fall, right up until Thanksgiving, and the first little snow flakes that I saw this morning are not unusual for these parts.  The heavy snowfalls and freezing temperatures that have shut down airports in Europe are.  So when I say that I am starting to feel like I need a little escape, I am not complaining, I am just fantasizing! 

A friend sent me this link, and it’s kind of neat to see where you can go…hey, Detroit, Michigan is on the list!  One of my favorite places, Basel, Switzerland, is not one to choose from, but hey, I did enjoy Ticino, the Italian part of Switzerland, complete with palm trees! You choose the city you want to go to, and it gives you a virtual tour with appropriate music.  Well, it’s a little diversion that I hope you will enjoy.

http://www.jcdurand.ca/Monde/Tour.html

Sadhvi

Being a woman over 50, I thought I might want to write something about Menopause every now and again.  It isn’t taboo, but I think that for me it’s just been so intense that I don’t know what to say.

Really.  I mean, who wants to hear someone write about how they don’t know who they are anymore?   Besides, I have a funny feeling that dealing with this Change is kind of like trying to find the “perfect  bra”, having the “perfect job”, or communicating clearly with my husband: there really isn’t an answer, it’s just a mystery and a challenge to be lived on a daily basis!

Not only is there the pressure to look good these days, to be thin enough not to be considered “fat”, to not be negative, but rather positive, to be politically and socially correct, to work out or do some sort of Yoga or Pilates to stay in shape as I get older, but every morning there’s the challenge of facial hair.

Susun Weed

I have a book, “New Menopausal Years, The Wise Woman Way: Alternative Approaches for Women 30-90″  that I opened from my bookshelf to see what herbalist and Wise Woman Susun Weed had to say about it: you can just click HERE to go to that information online. 

If you find the time, you should go to one of Susun’s events, and most definitely, buy any of  her books.

In a nutshell, I can tell you that it’s not going to go away and I will have to keep up with the daily maintenance of it, well, for the rest of my life.  And for everyone’s sake I really hope I don’t forget.

My mother, who is still alive, has not really spoken much about her Menopausal years to me…maybe the whole topic was as mystifying to her as it is to me now.  Mom?

In the past couple of years I have had all the symptoms associated with this Change and I am thankful that they didn’t all happen on the same day, because then I wouldn’t be writing to you via this blog post, but rather from a prison cell somewhere in Missouri.

When it gets brought up with girlfriends, there is always someone who didn’t have ANY symptoms, who is having wild sex all the time with her husband or new, younger lover, or someone who just started taking some hormones from horse urine and swears it makes her look 20 years younger.  Then there are my girlfriends who are in their 60′s who tell me that their menopausal symptoms have never gone away.  So there ya go!  It’s like I said before, it’s all a mystery.

Maybe it just comes down to accepting this new me as I get older, just as it always been throughout my life of being OK and enjoying what is, no matter what age. 

Amen, and seriously now, may you have a good night’s sleep and awake with no facial hair in the morning!

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

(Reinhold Niebuhr: American theologian 1892-1971)

 ”That will be $9.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke…”
 
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same…”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change .

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

 
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress, “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right, whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big bottom and long legs who agrees with everything I say” .

The moral of the story is: Be careful what you ask for!

I started meditating in 1979 I guess, and have tried to find that space since then through love, laughter, friends, painting, gardening, and of course food.  I saw this little video of Puppetji and laughed…I hope you do too!

Oh, this YouTube clip expains everything.

Take a look at how this horrible ecological disaster is being handled by BP executives, and the big chief, Kevin Costner.  I wonder if Obama finds any humor in that?!

1)    What was the first record/album you ever received/bought for yourself?

“Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys.  It was a 45 and I bought it at Woolworth’s.  It probably cost 89 cents.  At the age of 8, I experienced the word “psychedelic” when I listened to that song.  It literally put my mind into another place.  I loved it and played it over and over and over again.

2)    What is one of your most vivid childhood memories?

The first thing that pops into my head is “falling in love” with Elvis when I was very young.  I had a dream of him and felt that physical sensation that one gets when one is “in love”!

3)    What lesson would you like to pass on to younger women, now that you are a woman over 50?

Hmmmm… what have I  learned to be able to pass along?  Well, I don’t know if I have completely got it yet, but maybe the most important thing is to try to be OK with how you are, how you look, how you react…everything.  Why?  Because everything changes so quickly, that to try to hold onto ideas of how to “be”, how to “look”, etc. are so irrelevant and a complete waste of time.

4)    What turns you on, as a woman over 50?

That’s a good question…not much!  Since I don’t have good sex any more, I would have to say my garden, painting, and being with friends.

Yum!

Oh, and a good bottle of wine actually turns me on too…  I can always count on La Crema’s Pinot Noir to make me feel something divine.

5)    What is one of your dreams for the future?

To be able to get away with my husband and dog more often, instead of working all the time.

6)    What is one product you can’t live without that other women over 50 might enjoy/benefit from?

I cannot go out without having my favorite lipstick on, and that is one by Chanel.  I have tried all sorts of different brands over the years, and this one puts me into a sensual frame of mind that I can say I enjoy…I think they use roses and raspberry and vanilla and I really like that smell.  Plus, the texture is perfect.

Thanks Sadhvi…that was fun!

Sadhvi

It feels like ages since I’ve posted something.  I had a really bad cold, and I didn’t feel like doing anything for a couple of weeks.  I also turned 52.

I had this urge to bake a chocolate cake with white, fluffy icing just like my grandma, Mabel Carter, used to make.  I never made her “7 minute frosting” before, but I thought it was high time now that I am starting to look like her!

After looking hard and not being able to find her recipe in my collection, I decided to make one that sounded just like hers, called “Wonderful Marshmallow-Like Frosting” by Susan Branch that is in her Sweets to the Sweet book.  She has a cult following, and I am one of her groupies.  Here’s what she says, followed by the recipe:

“The classic boiled frosting, pure white, shiny and fluffy.  You’ll need a candy thermometer.

1/3 c. water                                        a pinch of salt

1 c. sugar                                           2 egg whites

1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar           1 tsp. vanilla

Stir the water, sugar, cream of tartar & salt together in a small, heavy-bottomed pan.  Hook a candy thermometer to the edge of the pan & boil without stirring until mixture reaches 240 F.  In the meantime, beat egg whites until stiff.  Pour the 240F syrup over the whites in a thin stream, beating constantly until thick & glossy.  Stir in the vanilla.  Now frost the cake!

I found a simple chocolate cake recipe called “Gateau Therese” in David Lebovitz’s The Sweet Life in Paris.  This is a must read book, by the way.  The following is what he has to say about it…

“Every Frenchwoman I know loves chocolate so much she has a chocolate cake in her repertoire that she’s committed to memory, one she can make on a moment’s notice.  This one comes from Therese Pella, who lives across the boulevard from me; when I first tasted the cake, I swooned from the rich, dark chocolate flavor and insisted on the recipe.

Madame Pellas is fanatical about making the cake 2 days in advance and storing it in her kitchen cabinet before serving, which she says improves the chocolate flavor.  And the Brie she keeps in there as well doesn’t seem to mind the company…”

I actually use just one stick of butter, which is probably a few grams less than what is called for, and, since most of my friends are into gluten-free eating, I use ground almonds instead of flour.

9 ounces (250g) bittersweet chocolate or semisweet chocolate, chopped

8 T. (120 g) butter

1/3 cp. (65 g) sugar

4 eggs, at room temperature, separated

2 T. ground almonds

A pinch of salt

Try this recipe…it’s really really good.

And, oh, thankfully, it’s Spring!

20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and

cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this

building!”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again!  If I get burritos one

more time, I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna sandwich, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping.  She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.  The blonde’s wife said, “Don’t look at me! He makes his own lunch!”

Sadhvi

I tried to fax one piece of paper to a client of mine today.  It didn’t go through.  Hmmm, I called her to tell her that there seemed to be a problem.  I asked her if she had gotten any faxes recently?  She said no, that actually, she had never received one; she just sends faxes on occasion.  Well, she tried to find out if she could get it working, and couldn’t.  Too bad, right?

Then I emailed a terrific coupon to a friend of mine  from the local health food store: a pound of organic coffee and a big package of granola for free, with any purchase – wow!  My friend wrote me back saying thanks, but her printer wasn’t working today.  Darn!

iPhone

My husband rarely gets any bars around where we live with his iPhone because the service is so bad with AT&T.  But it’s supposed to be so great now that our area has finally got 3G service, and now I see they even offer 4G service – oh boy!  It never makes any sense to me as to why someone would want a cell phone with little or no coverage, unless it was really just a toy, which it is.  I had one for about 3 days, which was the limit of my patience with no coverage.  Strange enough though, the comments I got from people just seeing me holding that worthless phone were kind of funny…they all thought I looked cool holding it!

Then I get an email from a friend saying I should check out this system called EVERNOTE that says it will help me  ”Remember everything”.  Now that is a tempting proposal, but really, just looking at their web site just made my migraine worse (click on the big bold EVERNOTE link above and see if you don’t get an immediate reaction to run away.  I double dare you.)

I cannot handle another thing to make my life simpler, and that includes hearing about it either…including, but not limited to: Kindle, the latest Smart Phone, the new GPS device, getting more business using Twitter, or any of the  other new and wonderful Social Media that keeps making me feel like I have to keep up…that’s it, I think I have reached my limit!

Instead of trying to keep up with the latest s0-called technology, I am going to go back to what I enjoy the most: recipes and gardening.  And being curious about other people…maybe I will start to interview my interesting friends and family for a while.

Now excuse me, I have to go through the emails that came in while I was writing this post before they build up to the point where it becomes my new part-time job.

then click your mouse and  move it over the page.

It’s almost Spring!

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he’s good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s.  He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh-t when I tell you the price.”

Sadhvi

This past weekend we were snowed in.  Last Tuesday and Wednesday we had a blizzard with constant winds of about 50 mph, night and day.  The weekend before we had 3 solid days of non-stop rain, with a little mud slide thrown in nearby.  Now I know, I could be 6 feet under rubble in Haiti, so believe me, I am not complaining:  I am just noticing things!

So if I could get away, it wouldn’t be to the Caribbean, it wouldn’t be to Mexico, it would be to one of my favorite thermal baths in Switzerland.

When I lived in Switzerland http://www.myswitzerland.com, I got such a thrill out of taking the train and going to one of the many beautiful, clean, and affordable hot springs.  I liked to visit and experience the different minerals that made up each of the hot springs.

It was very interesting to find that the salt-based hot springs made me feel like I had just been disinfected; very clean, and all cuts were healed.  The baking soda mineral bath was a true delight!  It made my skin feel like silk, and it was the most relaxing.  In the little town of Vals was a smallish pool that had mountain meadow herbs like fresh-cut hay and lavender flowers that was very nice.

But maybe my most favorite was the one in a little village called Scuol in an area that speaks a language that is a mixture of German, French, and Italian, and that language is called Romansch.  It is supposedly a dying language, which makes it intriguing right there.  Listening to people speak Romansch, which is Latin-based like English, made me feel as if I was not on the planet Earth, and I like that feeling -  a lot.

I wish I could take a few weeks off and go to Switzerland, where they are also having record amounts of snow and cold.

But at least they have these incredible mineral baths that you can escape to!  Where dipping  your toe  into 38 degree Celsius water (that’s 100.4 °F) and feeling the body turn into liquid relaxation as you slink into the waters that make you feel like you have gone back to a primodial place called  “Aahhhhhh” … yes, I’ll take one of those right now, please.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,  “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go get her.”

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the Human Resources department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks,  ”What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?” 

The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the midget.”

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but as the years went by, traffic
slowly built up to an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said,

“You’ve got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens!”

Shortly, a sign was put up that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, “The sign seems to make them go even faster.”

A new sign was put up the next day that said:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

Farmer John called again and said, “Your signs are doing no good!  Can I put up my own sign?”
The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
“Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did.  And not one chicken has been killed since then.”

The sign read:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen.  Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPhone, and brings up Google Earth to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email verification that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

Bud says, “That’s right, well, I guess you can take one of my calves”.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow!  That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required”, answered the cowboy.  “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You used latest technical equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep…

Now give me back my dog!

30% of women think their ass is too fat

10% of women think their ass is too skinny

The remaining 60% say they don’t care:  they love him, he’s a good man, and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

 True to his word, he made the first contact, “Ivy…Ivy!”

 ”Is that you, Richard?”

 ”Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed”.

 ”That’s wonderful!  What’s it like?”

 ”Well, I get up in the morning, and then I have sex.

Then I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

Then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud: lots of greens!) another romp, then ’round the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it’s back to the golf course again, and then it’s more sex until late at night.

I then usually catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

 ”Oh Richard, you surely must be in heaven!”

 ”Not exactly…I’m a rabbit on a golf course in South Carolina!”

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.  Be someplace else later.

Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.   It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we’re off the hook.

“Dear Madam,
Enclosed please find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that, first of all, it had never been occupied before and,  secondly, that there was plenty of heat, and thirdly, that it would be small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.  Instead, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t enough heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

“Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.  As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.  Please send the rent in full, or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.”