Read all the following numbers slowly and in order, being careful not to miss any:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 and 30
Good!
Now aren’t you glad to know that you accomplished something today?
Tomorrow we’ll post the ABC’s.
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At St. Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go get her.”
I went to my doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basic questions:
“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the Human Resources department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, ”What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the midget.”
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims,
“If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”.
The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”.
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
“If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”.
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”.
Sadie’s 90 year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,
“Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ”Screw him”!
