Part I

“Life is an adventure, and most of us think if we work hard and reach a goal we will be happy.   But it doesn’t work that way.  It’s not a straight road; it’s more like a river;  and there are parts that are going to be smooth and safe, and there are parts that are going to give you trouble.”

This is a sampling of the little pearls of wisdom my friend Adele shared with me when I asked her what it felt like to be 86.  Having lost my mother when she was 56 (my age now), I marvel at women like Adele.  I discovered her in yoga class, and soon I learned we shared more than a love of yoga and our favorite teacher, Cindy Dollar.  There was opera, literature, The New York Times Book Review, Laurey’s Café, and, of course, the mountains.  Sitting on the deck of her mountain condo, sipping Chai tea, surrounded by colorful potted plants and birds pecking at the feeder, I recently spent a glorious afternoon poking questions at Adele, who was completely generous and authentic in her responses.  Here’s a sample.

Annice: You are a role model for so many women I know who say, ‘I want to be like Adele.’  How does that make you feel?

Adele: I really don’t like that.  I wish they would say, ‘I like who you are now’ — because I worked hard to be who I am and to come to terms with my life, not just with aging.  It’s very difficult to come to terms with life – some never do-but if you want to enjoy the last part of your life like the first, or even more than the first, you have to recognize who you are and what you are.  All my life, I’ve been the youngest.  I was the youngest of four cousins who were very close to me in age.  In school, I was much younger than any of my classmates because I had skipped grades five times; and now, I often find myself to be the oldest and the matriarch of the group.  And you should know that my friends are not just elderly.  They vary in ages, including Generation X and teenagers whom I frequently take out to lunch.

Annice:   It’s impressive.  You live alone, you drive, you take yoga, you take piano lessons, and you’re active in the synagogue.  You’ve also spent summers teaching English at the University in Israel before you retired, and you’ve traveled all over the world.

Adele:  I’m very fortunate.  I recognized at a certain point that I had to change my life, and I did it at 60.  And, let me tell you, in those days, 60 was old.  Now at 60,  you’re a baby.

Annice: So what happened at 60 that changed your life?

Adele: I got a divorce.  I was married at 18 in 1941.  My three boys were grown and out of the house by then.  I was a teacher in the New York public school system in Brooklyn and loved teaching.  I was no longer the girl my husband married in 1941.  It was a comfortable marriage, but I felt I had grown to be a different person,  and that person was not satisfied with that life.  That was a rocky time for me.  I wanted a complete divorce, which for me, meant a civil and a traditional Jewish divorce, called a Get.  The Get required a rabbi’s intervention.  Actually, I needed the approval of three rabbis.  When I went to see them, they were shocked to see a woman my age.  It was 1982 when I left 2015 — and, by the way, I would never say ‘when I left my husband’ — I always used my address, 2015 , because I lived on 2015 Shore Parkway, Brooklyn.  It’s only now, after how many years, that I can say, ‘when I left my husband.’  I remember it quite well. I was sitting in the office with the rabbis, and the first thing they asked me was, ‘Do your children know?’  They wanted to get rid of me as fast as possible, and they tried to give me a shortcut version of the Get, but I wanted the real thing, the whole procedure, which, for me, was going through the ritual to commemorate my change in this life.  And, by the way, I did speak to my children, and they said, ‘Ma — whatever you want,’ but I knew they didn’t mean it.  They never thought I would go through with it.

FYI:  a Get is a specific hand-written document by a professionally-trained scribe (with quill and bottled ink) containing 12 Hebrew-Aramaic lines on a parchment.  It must be written under the direction of a trained rabbi.  The official documentation of divorce is required, according to Jewish law,  for either party to remarry. The document makes no reference to responsibility, blame, fault or settlement details. It has no bearing on any aspect of the civil divorce and settlement.  In Jewish law, a sacred event is sanctified at the outset, and when it is terminated, its sanctity must be honored also, so marriage, as a sacred union, is sanctified at the beginning and at the end (in a divorce).

Annice:  So you were determined to have a Get, and you did.  Did you want to remarry?

Adele: (sitting up in her chair and looking me straight in the eye) What for?  Actually, I thought if I ever were to consider marriage again, I would have to know who I was before taking that step again.

Annice: Got it.  So how did it work logistically, leaving 2015 ?

Adele:  I went to the teachers’ union, explained my situation to the officer to see if I could skim off — that’s what they called it — from my pension.  I needed several thousand dollars to move.  The union officer told me I didn’t have the money.  So I waited 6 months, went back to the union, got somebody else, and he said I had $15,000 I could take.  Some people said the other guy didn’t like what I was doing.  I’ll never know, but I’ll tell you one thing: I would have moved out in my BVD’s if I’d had to.  There was no question about it.  My husband was not the right person for me any more.  He was right for the 18-year-old girl he married in 1941.

Annice: And did your husband accept the divorce willingly?

Adele: From the outset, he never thought I would do it.  When he saw I was determined to leave 2015, he started talking about therapy, but it was too late.  My decision was made.  I never considered it wrong or impossible.  I knew I could make it both financially and emotionally.  I went to the bank manager and told her I was leaving my husband and wanted to divide the account between the two of us — and if there’s an extra penny, it goes to him.   The bank manager said I was crazy and should take it all.  She even had some of the other bank girls come in her office, and none of them could believe I was giving him half.

Annice: Was there ever a time you felt you had made a mistake?

Adele:  Never.  I just knew I would make it work.  I was very confident.  I knew it was the right path.

Annice: And what did you plan to do as a newly-divorced woman?

Adele: I stayed in NY and continued in my job.  I was happy there, surrounded by friends,  and I thought I would spend the rest of my life there.

Annice: So why do we find you in Asheville?

Adele: In 1992, even though I had just recovered from a very serious operation, a feeling percolated that there was more to this change.  Could I live and be as happy in a completely different environment without the comfort of my familiar surroundings and familiar friends?  I started looking at that question and wondered if I had I grown to that point.

Annice: Wasn’t that scary?  Leaving NY all by yourself?  What age were you?

Adele:  I was 70.  And you know what? I never agonized over that decision either, not even for one minute.  Everyone thought I was crazy, but I just knew it was going to work out.  So, I did research and decided to visit some cities that were warm and had a Jewish community.  In the end, I chose Asheville, NC,  and I love it here.  And I’d like to tell your readers that these kinds of life changes can only be accomplished if you learn to love yourself.  And it’s okay to have a life that makes you happy!  And if it means making major changes in your life, you’re entitled to do it.  You’re not being selfish.  Loving yourself is permissible.

Read PART II next week in Oops50.com to follow more of Adele’s journey.

Related posts:

1. Annice’s Angle: My Friend Adele: Part Two
2. Oops50 Humor: An elderly husband and wife were having dinner
3. Reflections on Ahimsa from our friend in Alaska
4. Women over 50: Painting on Glass is Fun!
5. Women over 50: What do you like and dislike about it?

Tags: Beautiful Women >50, women over 50, women's journeys

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 6th, 2009 at 6:58 pm and is filed under Annice'sAngle, Beautiful Women >50, Main. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.