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    Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category


    Fatimah: Being a Proud & Grateful Parent of a Parent: Part III: TRUST

    Thursday, May 17th, 2012

    FATIMAH'

    In my first writing for OOPS 50, I mentioned several words that have impacted my relationships with my parents and with all people I encounter.  These chosen words shape my living and my writing and should be shared again.  My chosen words:

    ALLOW-TRUST-REMEMBER-STAND-give CHOICE- BE RESPONSIBLE-RESPECT-CREATE AUTHENTICITY- LET GO- and have GRATITUDE 

    You may, from time to time, experience similarities or repetitions in my word usage or phrases.  They all relate.  They are all my foundation.  Today, I am adding GRATITUDE to my list, but I want to talk about TRUST.

    Let’s see what Webster’s and the thesaurus have to say about TRUST.

    WEBSTER’s (short version):  RELIANCE, INTEGRITY, STRENGTH, CONFIDENCE, RELIES UPON, ENTRUSTED, SAFEKEEPING, RESPONSIBILITY. 

    The thesaurus says: TRUSTWORTHY, ASSURANCE, CERTAINTY, CONVICTION, CREDENCE, DEPENDENCE, ENTRUSTMENT, SURENESS. 

    Trusting could be viewed as a ‘thin’ line between knowing and not knowing, between asking “is it real or Memorex?”  One of my many mentors states that, if you question, an opportunity presents itself to look within yourself—and the answer will be there.   

    Pape's 106 Birthday Celebration

    As we mature, we become wise women, or at least wiser women, acquiring from experiences the processes and effects of trusting or not—who, what, when—those nagging questions and details. 

    I am speaking here about trusting SELF, the big trust!  The scary trusting!  The questionable trust.  The fear that comes just from the thought of trusting self is a BIGGY!  To do so, for me, requires constant, conscious awareness of self, allowinghere again, utilizing another one of my words—that the work must be done: going to the edge, jumping off, and trusting that there is a net below!  

    Trusting in something we cannot see, touch, or feel is scary.  Or does feeling even have value?  Feel what you are feeling!

    For my parents to have unconditional trust in me to care for them required some releasing, some trusting that they had done a great job in raising me, that they will be cared for—some letting go, to a degree, of being in charge, moving from being the doer to being done for. Bottom line:  a lot was required of them!

    Being the proud and grateful parent of my parents was and is a heart-intense journey.  And I do mean intense. (more…)

    Farmer Nancy: I Heard My Father’s Voice Yesterday

    Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

    Nancy and her daughter, Hannah

    I heard my father’s voice yesterday.

    He died in 1981, July 7th, seven eleven, kind of hard to forget that one.  He was 65.  We had a sick family joke of him kicking off just when he was starting to collect social security; then my mom died at 65, five years later, and so did that joke.

    My dad was born in Asheville, the baby of the family, when my grandmother was 40.  He had two older brothers and a sister.  He loved horses and playing basketball.  He played high school basketball and then in the mill leagues.  I have a large wallpaper sample book that my grandmother turned into a scrapbook with clippings of his games.  He joined the National Guard so he could be in the Cavalry unit.  He was offered a basketball scholarship to Wake Forest, but his best friend Crowell Little was going to UNC – and, on his way to college, my dad went to visit Crowell.  He never left Chapel Hill.

    He found ways to earn money and played on the Tarheels basketball team.  He became president of Graham Memorial and was in charge of entertainment for the campus.  He ran with the likes of Terry Sanford and even dated Margaret Rose before Terry married her.  He was the caller for the square dance team that was so good, they even played the Waldorf Astoria in New York.  His nickname was Fish, and for years I tried to find out why.  I was always told it was something to do with his being at the Y and swimming so much.  After he died, Crowell told me it was because the girls liked him so much that it was just like tossing a line out and reeling them in.

    Like most of the Greatest Generation, my dad never talked about WWII,  and I am ashamed to say that I didn’t prod him about it.  I never expected to lose him so soon.  I do have several newspaper articles that were written about his time there, and, before he died, Crowell told me some stories as well.

    One of those stories involved flying from North Africa to Italy and bringing back the plane loaded with wine.  Another time, he was the pilot for Jimmy Doolittle and as he was taxiing the plane down the runway, he put on the brakes too hard, and the nose dived, and Jimmy Doolittle had to find another plane to continue on.

    The only scary story I heard was of the time my dad returned from a mission, and there was a hole in the plane right behind his seat.  An altitude exploding bomb had gone right through the plane and had exploded high above them.  I’m sure there were other tense times.  He flew 75 bombing missions.  I just recently pulled out all of his colorful bars and medals and have been looking them up on the internet to see what they all mean.

    My dad came home from the war, married my mom and settled in her home town of Chattanooga.  He worked at a furniture store for the rest of his life.  To me, he had the glamor of a Don Draper from “Mad Men” – but without the smoking, drinking and womanizing.  I just recently realized that this year will mark the beginning of my having lived longer without my dad than with him.  I still miss him.

    But I did hear his voice yesterday.

    Ever since my mom passed, and her house co-mingled with mine, I’ve had this cassette tape from 1969, a recording of a retirement dinner for one of the furniture salesmen.  Too afraid to play it without breaking it, I took it to a studio and had it transferred to a CD.  I had suspected that my dad might have been the host of the evening, and I was right.  There were many people talking, and at first I didn’t realize it was him – but then dim memories from 30+ years ago spread a smile across my face.  I listened as his gentle humor led what essentially was a roast of this person.  I tried to pick out my mother’s laughter out of the crowd.  What a treasure this tape is!  My daughter will be able to hear the voice of the grandfather she never knew,  and I can go back and close my eyes and for a moment, have my dad again.

    Totsie Marine: Changing Cultures & taking on Elder Care: Part 2

    Wednesday, March 21st, 2012

    The Reality of Daily Life

    The Wanda Reality

    THE BEAUTY OF PANAMA

    After we got to Panama, it became obvious that Kevin’s family was burned out on elder care and we decided that we would take on living with Wanda full time. We moved into their house which was set up with fences and gates to keep her safe from wandering and they found another house that was more suitable for their family.

    The first month taking care of Wanda was challenging. We were adjusting to her requirements (coffee must be HOT, plates must be WARMED for breakfast, specific breakfast and lunch menus could only have the slightest of variances, and a few other personal quirks that came out over time).

    Beyond these must-have’s she is a very pleasant person to be with and she has a good sense of humor. Her health is excellent but her short-term memory loss is the biggest limiting factor in her life. It keeps her from enjoying movies (can’t remember the plot line) and from being in groups of people talking about multiple subjects (she picks up her purse and tries to leave – once going down the street away from a Christmas party before she was missed).

    OUR DOG JAZZ

    The Scrabble factor

    Wanda’s only daily interest in life is Scrabble (and crossword puzzles when she can’t get a Scrabble partner). We have now settled into a routine of Scrabble after each meal and other games as often as we have time during the day. We tried to wear her out one rainy Sunday but after 7 games we were the ones calling ‘Uncle’ and quitting the tournament.

     Changing Cultures

    I know some conversational Spanish so I have been able to cobble together enough information to get what we need and understand what is needed of us. Now that we are settled into a routine, we plan to start Spanish classes and I want to take a yoga class given by an expat. My hobby is photography so I have taken one class in encaustic painting as a possible segue into another way of presenting my work. We find the expat community very active and supportive and we have been lucky to live next to a Panamanian family that speaks some English.

    ALL OF US!

    We have experienced some frustration about how things are done here like getting the electric bill by email (I shouldn’t complain – it used to arrive by motorcycle) but having to stand in line to pay in cash in person downtown. There is no mail delivery and there are no house numbers which makes it tricky when you are having new furniture delivered. And when you buy something like an electrical appliance, you have to wait while a slow moving clerk unpacks it, plugs it in and shows you that it is working and then re-packages it and tapes it up for you to take home. But we can tell we are gradually slowing down, becoming more patient with Wanda and ourselves, and learning to live at a different pace.

    Looking at it from 2 months in

    At this point we have been here 2 months. Tonight we went to our favorite Italian restaurant, which we can walk to in 20 minutes if it’s not raining, and celebrated 6 years working together. Lots of my friends said they would never work with their husbands. We certainly had our days of stress but ultimately we both wanted it to work and our livelihood depended on us working well together so we quickly got over whatever gripe-of-the-day it was.

    As we sipped a nice Genovese wine, enjoyed a fresh salad and crunchy crust pizza, we both realized that we feel like we have been here a lot longer than 2 months…like maybe 6 months…or maybe longer. We feel more relaxed. We feel at home here.

    PANAMA

    Our clients have been very supportive and pleased with our new pricing schedule. Wanda thanks us every day for taking such good care of her. We still are intrigued by day to day things…from the strange way they cut up chicken parts to the kindness of armed guards who open store doors for you! All in all we are very pleased with this move and are looking forward to getting to know ourselves and the Panamanian culture this year.

    I am keeping a journal of our Year in Panama, and there you can sign up to be notified when I post a new entry.

    Wish us luck!

    Totsie

    TOTSIE

    Changing Cultures & Taking on Elder Care

    Monday, March 12th, 2012

    Totsie Marine

    Our Friend, Totsie, disappeared from Asheville, but we found her in Panama.  Here is her story.

    Part 1: Making the Decision

    “Wanda fell and broke her (other) arm. She is doing better but can’t remember why she has a cast on her arm.” This email came after we made the decision to move to Boquete, Panama and help take care of my 83 year-old mother-in-law, Wanda. It sealed the deal for us. We said we would come to Panama for a year.

    How it came to be:  

    My husband, Winn, and I had toyed with the idea of moving to Boquete after visiting there in January 2011. Winn’s brother, Kevin, and his wife, Tammy, had been taking care of Wanda for three years and had moved their whole family, including three school aged children, to Boquete about a year before our visit. Their decision to relocate there was based on Tammy’s parents, who had retired there, and their own research on cost of living, quality of medical care and the desire to scale down their expensive lifestyle in the states.

    Family in Boquete

    Winn and I have a web development business. I started the business in 1996 and he joined me in 2006. We re-branded the company in 2011 from Totsie.com to Webonobo and positioned it to be “Local Global Mobile Web Solutions”. We also had our site translated into Spanish to attract clients who needed multilingual sites. We had always been told “Oh, you could do your business from anywhere in the world.”, so now seemed to be the right time to see if that was true.

    Our original thought was that we could move to Boquete, live near Kevin and Tammy and help take care of Wanda while continuing our business. We knew we would have a cable internet connection and with modern conveniences like Skype, we could still have personal connections to our clients.

    The deciding factors:

    One factor in our decision to move was that our business had slowed, like most businesses in the states, and while we still had a stable roster of 60+ clients which we host and support, the requests for new sites had slowed to a trickle. Even though we had re-branded and felt positive about the new direction, we were still in the early stages of marketing our new global potential.

    Another important factor came when I had a reading with an intuitive in Asheville who helped me admit the fact that I was personally burned out. Being entirely self-taught, self-motivated, self-marketed, I had been working long days for 16 years and even though I thought I had a few good business years left in me, the truth came out in the reading and I had to admit that I was just plain tired, that I had become one-dimensional in giving all my energy to the business and what I really wanted was a big change in lifestyle.  

    When I told Winn about my true feelings he immediately said “Absolutely, no problem, I can take over the business. I want you to rest and find yourself.” His next thought was that HE wanted to meet with the intuitive. In truth, he had been wanting to change the hectic lifestyle we had created but hadn’t figured out how to make that happen. So now he was motivated to not only take over the helm but also to do it in his style and at his pace.

    And yet a third factor is the fact that I turn 62 on March 6, 2012. Yes, I’m a baby boomer. It seemed unreal to me that people really used to retire at 62 but here I was actually considering it! Of course I would have to give up the CEO position in the company and work less hours to qualify for Social Security but that quickly became a no-brainer. Winn, being 5 years younger than me, still felt excited about our rebranding efforts and could see himself running the business with me as co-pilot.

    Running the numbers:

    Winn loves spreadsheets so he spread us out in all the ways he could think of to evaluate the wisdom of our move. No matter how you sliced it, it looked like a really good idea!

    Based on Kevin and Tammy’s experiences and cost of living, he decided that (as the new CEO) we could offer our services at a lower rate to our clients since our cost of living would be lower in Panama and that would create a win-win for our clients, who had smaller marketing budgets because of the downturn in the economy, and us who had lower living expenses. We could continue running the business, just on a smaller more sustainable pace. We would be living internationally which could eventually meet one of our rebranding goals which was to produce multilingual sites for international clients. We both got excited about the positive possibilities of this move and after we found a great renter for our house-someone I already had an acquaintance with who is in our industry-we felt like the light was green to go.

    Part II – Next Monday!  In the meantime, Happy Birthday Totsie. 

     

    Oops50: Part II: Being a Proud and Gratified Parent of a Parent: Allowing

    Wednesday, March 7th, 2012

    ME & MY PAP

    Webster’s definition of “allow:” to give permission, to permit, to let have, to grant, to admit, to acknowledge  

    Thesaurus definition: to accredit, to approve, to authorize, to empower, to free-up, to recognize  

    We all have history, beliefs, habits.  We all show up in this world riding in on these experiences, whatever they may be.  And yet great blessings are always on the horizon for change, setting the stage for all to be free.  And unconditional LOVE…what does this mean in terms of allowing?

    “Allowing” equals saying to someone:  “as you are.”

    This is easier said than done.  For me, it requires constant homework and conversations with myself, but it is worth the effort because within allowing, there is also the opportunity to review and shake loose old beliefs and habits, re-examine my history & world history, be vulnerable and trust — to come from a space of knowing that I do not need to alter another to allow them to be as they are, do not need to make them change themselves for me (unless it is done by their choice).  When I can accomplish this knowing, I can then choose to stand and be responsible, respectful, and authentic to self and others—and let go.

    Acknowledgement of another for the gift of who they are, what they bring to my table, so to speak, provides an opportunity to empower and be empowered.  From my experience, I can say this is NOT an easy task.  The key for me, however, is to know that I always have a choice to be enrolled or not in another’s ways of being or to allow them or not into my space.  After all, there may be times, even in allowing, where discernment is required.

    Regarding my parents, allowing them to choose for themselves over the years has always paid off in extraordinary ways.  My mom and my Pape’ have each stopped and thought about a choice they were making, once they were reminded that they indeed had a choice and that the responsibility for the results of their choice was with them.  They have always understood, even though there have been times that the results may or may not be what they had hoped.  However, for me to allow and trust the entire process has always been my stand, as long as my parents stayed safe.  (more…)

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