Jane

This joke was sent to me by Betsy, one of our contributors, and I just had to share it.  Apologies to all of you who have already heard it!!! 

(as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.”

Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes.

When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(You’ll love this)

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she thought she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years – why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

WHITE BEACH MORNING GLORY

.

Every autumn, it’s the same thing: it takes me a while to get used to the idea that all the leaves will fall from the trees, it’s going to get cold, and winter is coming.

I have never lived in a place where there were NOT four seasons, so why does it come as a shock each and every year?

Maybe it’s simply because I don’t like to be cold!

Here’s a joke that I find funny ever time I read it:

On a small iceberg, somewhere near the North Pole, a little bear goes up to his mother and asks, “Mom, what kind of bear am I?”

“You are a polar bear, son,” replies his mother.

“Are you sure I am not a brown bear?” he asks.

.

“Quite sure, son,” she replies, “you are a polar bear.”

But the little bear is not satisfied. “Mom,” he says, “maybe I am a grizzly bear?”

“What are you asking these questions for, son?” asks his mother. “You are a polar bear.”

So the little bear walks across the iceberg to his father.

“Pop,” he says, “am I a panda bear?”

“No, son,” says the father, “you are a polar bear.”

“Not a koala bear?” asks the baby bear.

“No, you are a polar bear,” says his father. “Why are you asking all these questions?”

“Because,” moans the little bear, “I’m cold!”

So postponing the inevitable is why I like to have as many Zinnia’s around me as possible.  They seem to continue to bloom and flower until the first hard frost, which around here can be in November.  They require nothing more than putting some seed in the ground once the Spring frosts are behind, and then continue to sow some in little corners until mid-Summer.  Oh, and deadhead when needed, saving the spent flowers to use for next year’s blooms.

Remembering to do this is not hard, once you’ve experienced the joy of their colorful blooms.

Wishing you Well,

Sadhvi

Zinnias from a few days ago!

MAXINE'S JOHN WAGNER

Maxine can still crack me up.  Like her, there was always someone around in the family who called a spade a spade.  In the “politically correct” times we’ve been living in, and now, where EVERYTHING IS AWESOME, I can appreciate Maxine’s character even more.  Because most of the people who used to be like her are gone.  And I know I should watch Jon Stewart, but I don’t have a TV.

The other day while at the market, I saw a young girl, maybe 11 or 12 years old, hugging a colorful book to her chest.  I asked her if I could see the title of the book.  It was, The Book of Awesome.  Her mother was behind her, and I asked what the book was about?  She said that every kid is reading it, and her daughter just loves it.  Nothing wrong with love, but this book even has its own Wikipedia page.  Now how weird is that?  What a peculiar thing, that there is a book written for people to read, about things like:

Snow Days, Bakery Air, Finding Money in Your Pocket and Other Simple, Brilliant Things

I wonder what Maxine is gonna have to say about it?

Hey, I might actually read this New York Times bestseller and start to wear a t-shirt with the cover on the front, and start carrying the book around, hugging it!

So who is the person behind Maxine’s character?  The following is taken from the Hallmark website:

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when “fill in the pumpkins” was about the extent of his art classes at St. John ‘s Catholic School in Leonia, New Jersey.

When Hallmark launched the Shoebox card line back in 1986, nobody knew that the crabby character gracing the covers of a few cards would become a celebrity.  It didn’t take long for Maxine’s irreverent quips about aging, the workplace, retirement, political correctness, and of course sex (or the lack of it) had struck a cord.

.

.

“If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I’m happy.  Putting a smile on someone’s face is what it’s all about.”

Why the name ‘Maxine’?

“People at Shoebox started referring to the character as “John Wagner’s old lady”, and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,” John says.  So the Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested “Maxine”.   John says the name is perfect.  He’s also humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, and admits he’s proud of her.

So now you know!

Enjoy,

Sadhvi

SADHVI

It’s been an intense time on the planet this past week.  Mercury is still retrograde, but will finally be going direct tomorrow.  Then there was an earthquake that was pretty severe on the east coast.  Whoa!  While we’re being told it’s not unusual, being from the east coast, I can say that it is.  And while I’m thinking about it, does anyone see any cause and effect with the incredible amount of high-powered blasting through the shale in the ground, otherwise known as fracking, to get to all that natural gas under the shale, in order to create a huge pipeline through some of the poorest areas of America, and this earthquake?

OH MORNING GLORY!

If you’ve clicked on the link to the word “earthquake” above, you will see an ad from Exxon-Mobil before the CNN clip, on the “safety” of fracking.  I know I felt better after watching some executive from that company tell me in a soft and smooth voice that it’s all done very safely.  I mean, how could blasting through shale with high-pressure, chemical-filled water (that is being taken from – where?) do anything to the earth.  I wonder if maybe Mother Nature is getting back.

Now there’s this huge, and in the words of  President Obama, “historical” hurricane Irene, that looks really scary that is about to hit the eastern coast.  I know, I know, we’re not supposed to talk about stuff like that…sorry!  It’s just kind of intense looking!

But it was also wonderfully thrilling to eat the first of the second batch of raspberries from my garden this week,  and the many very ripe figs off our tree (thank you Judi for your tip on how to increase the yield last fall – it worked!), to smell the intoxicating fragrance of the kudzu flowers, and roses still blooming.  And it’s always very good to spend time with our 11 hens, all named after my mom, Sally.

KUDZU FLOWER

HERITAGE RASPBERRY'S

INSIDE MY FIG TREE

And a good laugh is always welcome, so here’s a joke that I had never heard before, that cracked me up.

Enjoy!

Sadhvi

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.  He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” 

The immediate silence in the entire bar is almost tangible.  In a deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know a few things:

1.  The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2.  The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3.  I am 6 feet tall, weigh 195 pounds, and have a black belt in karate, and am a natural blonde.

4.  The woman sitting next to me is  blonde and is a professional weight lifter.  And lastly, the lady to your right is also blonde and a well-known professional wrestler.  Now, think about it for a moment, Cowboy, do you really want to tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a few seconds, shakes his head, and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

SALLY HENS

SADHVI

It’s National Book Week.  Or that is what I was told by a friend on Facebook.  I thought it was a fun 2 minute diversion to an otherwise hectic day.

The rules: Grab the closest book to you.  Go to page 56.  Copy the 5th sentence.  Don’t mention the book.  Pass it along.

“Every woman wants to kill the husband – it is another matter that she does not kill him – because if she kills him, what will she do?”

*Note: I know this quote seems strange, but just so you know, I was feeling overwhelmed and my husband was adding to the mix; so when I picked a random book from the shelf, and read this  quote I had to laugh!  I am not a violent person, and I wasn’t thinking to kill him either. Enjoy!

SADHVI'S MEXICAN TORCHFLOWER

SADHVI

I wanted to share my secret to eternal youth this week, but I couldn’t think of one.  Then I thought I could let you in on how at the age of 53, I’ve invested wisely and am now retired, except that this is not the case.

So instead I’m going to share something that I think is pretty interesting.  I was looking at the data collected from GoogleAnalytics, a free service from Google that shows which key words people are punching into their search boxes, and how many of them there are.  What I discovered is that the majority of people using the web are trying to find their perfect mate!  Uh oh, wait!  I think that also includes porn sites.  Geez.  I shouldn’t be surprised, since just about all of my single friends use online dating these days.  I even have friends who tell me, “I’ve got to find time to get on Match.com!”.

If only they realized that their type of “Mr. Right” is not anywhere but between the pages of a book.  Because having been in a relationship for over 25 years with the same partner, I can attest that it ain’t like what these single friends are yearning for.  It is not necessarily bad, it just isn’t romance every day!

MR. RIGHT THERE ALL ALONG

If I were looking, I definitely wouldn’t look for a potential relationship online!  They pick the picture themselves and they write things that make them appear like they are auctioning themselves off on the block!

If I were looking for love, I would join a tango class, or a bowling league, or maybe just go the library and get some Harlequin romance novels and drift away in a comfortable chair.  Or just order online at my favorite book site: Better World Books.  A much better company than Amazon to support, by the way.

Here’s a quote from a summer read that I recently picked up (no pun intended).  Let me know if you agree with me that reading about romance might be better than an actual relationship.  It’s cheaper. There is no compromise.  When your heart gets broken, vicariously of course, it will be better by the end of the book.

Enjoy!

Sadhvi

SADHVI

I think that because life is so absurd these days, I am coming to a place inside myself where I feel at peace with it.  Funny, huh?  You too?

In spite of this, I can’t help but notice an occasional “odd thing” popping up on my radar every now and again.  Like how the media has just about dropped any news coverage of the nuclear meltdown(s) in Japan.  Like it never happened.  Oh I know, I mean really, why worry us, the masses, about something that is out of control, right?  It’s just that, oh, never mind…I will just not think about those kind of things.

Something funny that I saw and wanted to pass along…The Secret was a big thing a few years back, and there are people that I bump into who just “discovered” it and can’t believe how amazing it is today.

Like attracts like and it’s really as easy as that!  Just wish for a new car, or even a check in the mail for a million dollars, and it will appear.  I mean, it was all there in the book and you could even see people just like me and you who experienced it: OMG!  Many, many people spent money and made the people who came up with this incredible idea very rich.  Well, it’s no secret that the founders fought and sued each other over who would get all that money and no longer talk to each other.

Here’s a funny clip that made me laugh, from the Austrailain TV comedy satire show,  “The Chaser’s War on Everything” that makes fun of “The Secret”:

Whatever your space these days, I do hope you feel more optimistic than pessimistic, and remember…during these intense times, try to do what one of my favorite new illustrator’s, Katie Daisy, says to do:

Forgetful in Florida

Dear Forgetful,

I am just happy to say that I don’t have this problem any more, and I’m as old as the hills.  My children praise me all the time for remembering stuff.  In fact, I even keep track of my husband’s meetings.  And when I go out with my girlfriends, I’m the one who remembers where we parked the car.  It’s amazing, isn’t it, how some people get memory loss with menopause and some just don’t?  Now, tell me again, what was your question?

Dear Johanna,

What can I do about my “chicken fat” arms?  I’ve lost weight recently, and I look fairly good in every place except the very flabby undersides of my arms.  They flap in the breeze and make me feel totally unattractive.  I can’t stand to wear short-sleeved shirts any more.  Help me, Johanna!

Flabby in Forest City

Dear Flabby,

I’ve heard this complaint from lots of people, and I, for one, am tired of women worrying about their flabby arms.  When I see a woman with flabby arms, I just think to myself, “There is a woman who has lived through a lot, experienced a lot, probably picked up a lot of babies with those arms or carried a lot of some man’s dirty clothes up and down stairs. She is certainly not someone who had time to go work out at the gym all the time and keep her arms looking trim.”  I think we should start a movement to protest people’s prejudice against flabby arms.  I say wear those no-sleeve shirts with pride!  You could even get a t-shirt printed that says, “I’m no spring chicken!  I’ve got chicken-fat arms!  Watch out! I might knock you out with one of them!”

Dear Johanna,

I am always tired and have very little energy.  I don’t have hot flashes, but I seem to have every other symptom of menopause, and I’m really tired of the whole deal.  To top it all off, my husband still thinks I’m beautiful and wishes I were interested in sex more often, but the thought of it doesn’t do wonders for me.  In fact, it’s the opposite: I’d almost rather do anything else!  Will I ever feel normal again?

Droopy in Detroit

Dear Droopy in Detroit,

Honey, you need to tell that man the truth:  unless they invent a drug that reverses menopause, he won’t be getting back the hot young thing he married any time soon, so he needs to either get used to living like a monk or come up with some new strategies.  Here are some time-honored ones that have been found to work well with women over 50 (and I actually recommend doing them all, in order):  HE SHOULD 1) cook dinner for the family; 2) clean up the dishes; 3) scrub the toilets in the bathrooms; 4) fold all the laundry; 5) plan the family vacation without any input from you; 6) tell you he loves that one little hair on your chin–it turns him on–and he especially loves your adorable, flabby arms; and 7) promise you that you can sleep late the following morning and he’ll get up and let the dogs out!

SADHVI

These days I seem to be running into people who are either dropping out of Facebook, etc., or they are trying to keep up, and are feeling overwhelmed.  And then there are folks like my husband, who never wanted any part of it and thinks it is a complete waste of time! Someone sent me the following email; I don’t know who wrote it, and I hope no one is offended. No matter where you are in the spectrum, I do hope you enjoy reading it like I did.

“When I bought a Blackberry cell phone recently, I thought about the business I ran for 30 years with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I only signed up for Facebook and Twitter because of the pressure from my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand-kids and 2 great-grand-kids who told me they would be able communicate with me in the “modern way” if I did.

Not wanting to be left behind, I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand-kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie, Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone started beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.

I was not ready to live like that.

So now I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids then bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth headset (it’s red, by the way).

Which I was supposed to use when I drive.  I wore that Blue tooth while standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards started glaring at me.  Maybe it was because I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I think I got a little too loud.

As far as the GPS goes, it did look pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.

Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.”  You would think that she could be nicer.

It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn by mistake, well, let’s just say it was not a good relationship.

Now when I get lost, I just call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings!

The world is just getting too complex for me.

They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” question every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth, reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them.

When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?”,  I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me.  I am bi-sacksual.”

Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

It’s only fair.

I was recently asked if I Tweet?

I answered, “No, but I do toot a lot.”

I just want to end by saying that I really don’t need any more gadgets to connect.

The TV and the garage door remote are about all I want to handle!”

I want to enjoy life…how about you?

Jane

This week I had a very disturbing experience:  I was offered a senior citizen discount at my grocery store!  I’ve never been offered this kind of discount before—anywhere—so it totally flummoxed me.  It didn’t help that the store had a cutesy little name for it, so when the clerk asked me if I had forgotten about their “wisdom discount,” all I could manage was a confused look.  Then it sank in:  she was offering me the discount for people 60 and older!

I almost blew up at the clerk—at her audacity in thinking I could be that old—until I realized that I’m only three years away from the “wisdom discount”.  And that’s when I really got depressed.

I didn’t want to get depressed, but that’s what happened.  I simply could not fathom that I could possibly look 60 to a 21- year-old.  How was that possible?  I’m way younger than that.  After all, I’m only 57!  Besides, I’ve always been the youngest one in my family, so how could I ever look 60?  60 is an age where you look grown up and mature.  Help! I don’t feel that way yet!

Besides, I’ve lost all that weight!  I thought I was looking young and beautiful and very far from 60!  I managed to get over the whole incident by telling myself that one, ridiculous clerk is just so young that she doesn’t have a clue about anyone’s age.  To her, a 40-year-old probably looks 60, I muttered under my breath.

Then it happened again—in a different store, with a different clerk—a very polite 40-year-old man, who asked me if I was “eligible for our senior discount?”.

Maybe with all the stress of this year, I’ve aged.  Maybe getting thinner has actually made me look older.  Who knows?  Maybe the problem is that I am, in fact, pretty darn close to 60, so I might as well get used to the sound of that number.

Whatever! All I can say is, I’m not ready for it yet.  I’ll adjust, eventually, when 60 rolls around.  I’ll be a very happy 60-year-old.  But until then,  I’ve got 3 more years, so I plan to celebrate the fact that I am still in my fifties.  And to hell with any young whippersnapper who thinks differently!  They can take their wisdom discount and….

I’m far too mature to complete that sentence, but you get my drift!

A RARE MEDICAL CONDITION

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading his book.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently.

Although assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.  A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently.  Are you okay?”

The woman replied, “I am sorry if I disturbed you.  I have a rare medical condition.  Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious and asked, “I have never heard of that condition before.  Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded and said, “Yes, black pepper”.

THE BRIDGE

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, “God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?”

SADHVI

As a women over 50, the time has come where all I crave is Artisana’s Raw Organic Coconut Butter and laughter.  Items that are newsworthy are so bizarre these days that to write about what feels important to pass along is absurd.  So this week, I thought I would share an old Johnny Carson skit that made me chuckle and feel good.  I hope it does the same for you – enjoy!

Gwendie

I took one of those online tests today, you know the kind.  You go to a website (in this case, it’s www.realage.com, you can try it yourself).  Apparently it has been recommended by both Dr. Oz AND Oprah Winfrey, so it must be good, right?  You answer a whole bunch of questions about your health, habits, diet, fitness, and relationships.  Then they send you a “Personalized Real Age and Plan to Improve” (assuming that most of us are “older” than our real age, based on the kinds of good living questions included on the test.  NO ONE can truthfully answer them all “correctly.”)

Anyhow, I was pleased to be able to report that I ALWAYS wear seat belts, my parents stayed together until I was at least 18, I quit smoking 40 years ago and I don’t get secondhand smoke, I’ve had my pneumonia vaccine, I eat lots of fruits and veggies, and I do some moderate amount of exercise and a bunch of other good stuff, too.

Of course, I also have metastatic cancer, have a BMI over 28, take more than 5 prescription drugs, and don’t go to church once a week.  And those things must count for a BUNCH of bad points, because, ladies and gentlemen, RealAge has calculated, for my personal use and benefit, that while my actual age is 69.1 years, my REAL AGE is 91.6!

Yes, that’s right, ninety-one point six.  I’m as old as my neighbor Mr. Bradburn who still tills and plants a big garden every year and chops his own wood to heat his house.  And who, by the way, also mows my grass—for free.  So how bad can 92 be?  Well, bad, because he also suffers from all kinds of ailments, so can you imagine what his Real Age would be?

Boy, RealAge really knows how to encourage a gal.  My Real Age is 20+ years more than my chronological age, and the best they can do with suggestions for improvement is to lose weight, watch those drug interactions, and eat more complex carbohydrates!  Hot diggity dog.

Big help, they are.  And if I do all those things, I can bring my Real Age down to 85.  Yea!!!

I tell you one thing, I’m going to think twice before taking any more of those online questionnaires.  It’s just too depressing, and that’s not good for my health.  Although, come to think of it, I’m doing pretty darn well for a 92 year old!

 ”That will be $9.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke…”
 
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same…”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change .

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

 
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress, “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right, whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big bottom and long legs who agrees with everything I say” .

The moral of the story is: Be careful what you ask for!

I started meditating in 1979 I guess, and have tried to find that space since then through love, laughter, friends, painting, gardening, and of course food.  I saw this little video of Puppetji and laughed…I hope you do too!

Sadhvi

I know this one has been around for a while, but, I love to watch this ad for Evian. And since it is so damned hot where I live, I can’t help but think this is going to be how I dress when I have to go out. I think diapers with a little t-shirt might be the only way I can survive this heat wave if it continues!

Oh, this YouTube clip expains everything.

Take a look at how this horrible ecological disaster is being handled by BP executives, and the big chief, Kevin Costner.  I wonder if Obama finds any humor in that?!

then click your mouse and  move it over the page.

It’s almost Spring!

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he’s good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s.  He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh-t when I tell you the price.”

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Good! 

Now aren’t you glad to know that you accomplished something today?

Tomorrow we’ll post the ABC’s.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,  “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go get her.”

He said, “It is between two wolves.

The one wolf is evil:  Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good:  Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one I feed.”

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender!  Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch!

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the Human Resources department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks,  ”What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?” 

The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the midget.”

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims,

“If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”.

The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”.

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

“If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”.

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”.

Sadie’s 90 year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

“Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,  ”Screw him”!

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but as the years went by, traffic
slowly built up to an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said,

“You’ve got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens!”

Shortly, a sign was put up that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, “The sign seems to make them go even faster.”

A new sign was put up the next day that said:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

Farmer John called again and said, “Your signs are doing no good!  Can I put up my own sign?”
The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
“Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did.  And not one chicken has been killed since then.”

The sign read:

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.  Aleve is also called Naproxen.  Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

10.)  You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in

    the sack.

  9.)  If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it

   again.

  8.)  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

  7.)  You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you

   some.

  6.)  It’s okay if the person you’re with fantasizes you’re

   someone else, because you actually are.

  5.) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

  4.)  If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next

   door.

  3.)  It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and

   groaning.

  2.)  There’s a lot less guilt the morning after.

  1.)  You can do the whole neighborhood.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the Quarter Ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPhone, and brings up Google Earth to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email verification that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

Bud says, “That’s right, well, I guess you can take one of my calves”.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow!  That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required”, answered the cowboy.  “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You used latest technical equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep…

Now give me back my dog!

Sadhvi

Happiness. I know it’s a choice.  Meyer Baba is pretty well-known for  ”Don’t worry, be happy.”  I have days where I experiment with consciously being aware of my mind’s tendency to create problems and drama and fear and worry and, instead, to choose happiness.  It is not as easy as it sounds!  Now that I am in this new phase of my life, called men-oh-pause, I have to say that I find it more challenging than ever to be happy.  So I wanted to share something that someone sent me: that taking heroin and cocaine were quite common just a few generations ago.  Hmmm, now that’s something I never considered!  I have spent my whole life trying to love myself, accept myself, and be forgiving with myself–and to not take drugs.  I no longer dye my hair;  I won’t be taking any HRT any time soon;  and I know for a fact that anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications are not going to solve any of my “problems.”  So when I start to think that life must have been simpler way back when, well, now I know why: they had the help of cocaine and heroin.  For some reason, I feel better.  Enjoy!

  A bottle of Bayer’s heroin:  Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.  It was also used to treat children with a strong cough.

 Metcalf’s Coca Wine:  Just one of many types of wine with cocaine that was available on the market.  Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.  I imagine it did! 

 Mariani Wine:  In 1875, this was the most famous Coca wine of its time.  Pope Leo XIII used to carry a bottle with him at all times.  He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine Coca Wine:  This “wine” was made by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York, and it was suggested that you take a full glass with or after every meal and children should take only half a glass. 

Throat Lozengers with Cocaine (1900):  All stage actors, singers, teachers, and preachers had to have these for a maximum performance.  They were great to “smooth” the voice.

Cocaine Toothache Drops:  These were very popular for children in 1885.  Not only did they relieve the pain, they made children happy!

Stickney and Poor’s Pure Paregoric for Babies, with Opium!:  With not only opium but 46% alcohol, I’m sure this would make those little ones sleep well.

30% of women think their ass is too fat

10% of women think their ass is too skinny

The remaining 60% say they don’t care:  they love him, he’s a good man, and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and POOF…

The husband became 85 years old.

The moral of this story is: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female!

Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs, such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 ****************

 DEAR DESPERATE

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.  Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Tooting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.

 Good Luck !

Tech Support

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

 True to his word, he made the first contact, “Ivy…Ivy!”

 ”Is that you, Richard?”

 ”Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed”.

 ”That’s wonderful!  What’s it like?”

 ”Well, I get up in the morning, and then I have sex.

Then I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

Then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud: lots of greens!) another romp, then ’round the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it’s back to the golf course again, and then it’s more sex until late at night.

I then usually catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

 ”Oh Richard, you surely must be in heaven!”

 ”Not exactly…I’m a rabbit on a golf course in South Carolina!”

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But, the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Melvin?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

but some of us at oops50 thought this was hilarious.

And some thought it was gross.

There have been so many reactions to this ad.

Enjoy whatever reaction you have!

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.  Be someplace else later.

Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.   It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we’re off the hook.

A pastor entered his donkey in a race, and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was even more upsetting to the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day, the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop died and was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass: you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!  Amen.

“Dear Madam,
Enclosed please find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that, first of all, it had never been occupied before and,  secondly, that there was plenty of heat, and thirdly, that it would be small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.  Instead, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t enough heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

“Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.  As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.  Please send the rent in full, or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.”