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    Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


    I Did A Really Stupid Thing

    Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

    Annice

    Oops.  I did a really stupid thing.  I was driving around doing errands on Saturday when I looked into the rear view mirror and saw how ghastly my hair looked.  I was in the middle of a hair emergency without an appointment.  I haven’t been happy with my stylist lately, and in fact I’ve been shopping around.  I’m tired of paying a lot, and not being satisfied.  All that to say, I ended up driving to the nearest cheap hair salon I spotted on the highway, and walked in.

    After all, aren’t all the stylists in those kind of places recent grads who know the latest techniques?  Aren’t they just working at these cheap places to get experience, build up a clientele, and move on?

    I walked in.  “Hi, can someone cut my hair now?”

    Behind the desk, the receptionist, sporting a great haircut, looked up.

    “Sure.  Give me your coat and take a seat.  I’ll get Terry (not her real name).”

    .

    Sitting in Terry’s chair, I looked around.  The place was dumpy, looking like the low-end salon it was.

    Out walks Terry smelling badly from cigarette smoke.  Her face was covered with deep wrinkles and when she smiled, she was missing a few teeth.  I won’t bother to detail the many different colors of her hair ranging from burnt orange to caramel.

    OMG.  I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I sat in Terry’s chair, a prisoner, held hostage by my own stupidity.  It was too late to turn back.

    I tried to imagine the best case scenario.  Maybe she was a recovering addict from NYC and came to the mountains to get her life back together.  She wouldn’t be the first.  Or maybe she was a super stylist from NYC.  Anything was possible.

    “Is that a natural curl?” she asked.

    “Yes, and I happen to have a photo of the cut I like in my wallet.”  I handed the photo to Terry.

    She looked at it for a second.

    “No problem.  I’m great with curly hair, been cutting hair in Asheville since 1994.  Raised four kids as a single mom cutting hair.”

    “Ever been to New York?”  I could only hope.

    “Never been out of Asheville.  Never had the desire.”

    “Never.  Not even for a visit?”

    MY NEW HAIRCUT

    “Nope.  I’m gonna  cut your hair dry.  It’s the best way to cut curly hair.”

    I knew that was a fair statement and such technique existed, so I did not argue with Terry.

    Chop, chop, chop.  Terry cut away until I was left with a short pixie.

    “What do you think?  I think that looks about right.”  Terry picked up the photo and held it up to the mirror next to my image. “What about color?  We use a very good color here.”

    I could not speak.

    “Would you like to schedule your next appointment?”

    “Next appointment?  Oh, well, I won’t be needing a next appointment until April – 2013.”

    A Laugh for Friday: The Black Bra Joke

    Friday, December 2nd, 2011

    Jane

     

    This joke was sent to me by Betsy, one of our contributors, and I just had to share it.  Apologies to all of you who have already heard it!!! 


    (as told by a woman)

    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

    Here’s how it all went.

    My engaged friend:
    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.”

    Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes.

    When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

    When he came in the door and saw me he said,

    (You’ll love this)

    “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

     

    What I am Thankful for this Thanksgiving

    Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

     Here are 10 things I’m thankful for this year:

    1)  We have wonderful friends who make us feel thankful to be alive and sharing this planet with them.

    2)  Our daughter Becky in Africa is feeling better, so maybe she doesn’t actually have dengue fever or some other horrible tropical disease (what I immediately assumed upon hearing that she had a fever and muscle pains). And our daughter Josie does not have a stress fracture on her leg—just shin splints!  Yaay!  And she’s going with me to see Becky soon.

    3)  Our daughter Lizzie has Janson in her life—a thoughtful, loving guy—and Janson may even have a job soon, thanks to some great folks who read about him in the paper and decided they wanted to go out of their way to help a Marine veteran!

    4)  Our son, Parker, is very happy at Bard College—and, even though he won’t be home for Thanksgiving, he gets to have turkey dinner with Janet and Jerry, our wonderful friends in New York.

    HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM OOPS50!!!!

    5)  I have three powerful and loving sisters (and a host of wonderful blood kin) and terrific, loving in-laws (how lucky is that?).

    6)  Tom can still, after 28 years (is that possible?), make me laugh so hard that I risk embarrassing him in public (but I never really do).

    7)  Obama is still in the White House.

    8)   Even though I’ve gained some pounds and need to get rid of them, I’ve managed to keep off most of my weight loss.

    9)  Our dog Tater loves to chase a laser around our floor—over and over again—without ever getting bored or tired.

    10)  Ultimate Ice Cream (in Asheville, NC), especially the Coffee Heath Bar (perhaps this last one should be avoided). 

    10 Thoughts on Learning that I am going to be a Grandmother!

    Thursday, November 10th, 2011

    JULIA

    My thoughts on learning that I am going to be a Grandmother are as follows:

    1. Blank.
    2. Blank.
    3. Gasp.  Breathe, girl!
    4. Searching…
    5. What will my new name (the name that will stick to me for the rest of my life on earth) be?  Please not anything with “aw” on the end.
    6. Am I really old enough for this to be happening to me? I knew my husband was getting older, but…
    7. She will love IT more than she loves me (pout).
    8.  How can SHE have a baby?  She’s still MY baby!
    9. Look at her.  Her face is shining.  I know that feeling…my face must look like my mother’s face did when I told her for the first time.
    10. I will love it instantly.  At first because it’s part of her.  Then just because I love it.
    11. Life has become infinitely more complicated–and interesting–in the last 7 seconds.

    Okay, so I had more than 10 thoughts in a row.  This doesn’t happen every day.  I just had to write them all!

    Julia Coward lives in Asheville, NC with her husband, in a house made entirely of dog hair.  She has held many varied and interesting  jobs in her career as a person, but her favorite has always been raising and caring for people and pets in all different ages and stages of life.  Plants have to fend for themselves.

    Laugh Lines: October 26th, 2011

    Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

    A 56 year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.

    Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”

    God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

    She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

    Since she had so much more time to live, she thought she might as well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

    While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years – why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

    God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

    WHITE BEACH MORNING GLORY

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