Dear Johanna:
My mother is turning 90, so it seems like I should be over any issues I have with her by this time and should be happy letting her sit there, knitting, minding her own business–but instead, all it takes sometimes is for me to walk in her living room and see her face for me to go off the deep end. How can a little lady of 90 still drive me so crazy? Especially when she hasn’t even said a word! After all, I’m supposed to be grown up by now: I’m 53 years old!
Childish in Chicago
Dear Childish:
It’s perfectly understandable. That woman isn’t innocent! She’s not just sitting there knitting! She’s scoping you out! You say she’s “minding her own business.” Have you ever known a mother that truly minds her own business? And she doesn’t need any words to tell you what she’s thinking. All she has to do is look up from her knitting, with a face that says, “Oh, so you’ve put on a few pounds!” or “I see, you haven’t been taking good care of yourself: your hair is not brushed,” or “Do you mean to tell me that lazy no-good husband of yours still has not gotten a job?” Of course, you lose it! You may think you’re 53 years old, but you’re instantly back to being 7, with your mother disapproving of your school outfit! But, that’s ok, just remember this: if she weren’t such a spunky little thing, you wouldn’t be the strong, vital woman you are! And, when she’s gone, trust me, you’ll miss those disapproving looks. Certainly no one else in the world will ever care about every detail of your life the way she does! Tell her to wipe that look off her face and smile when you come to see her because you love her to death!
Dear Johanna:
Why is it that I have to be the person in our marriage that always buys the gifts for everyone? Did anyone ever say that a man is, by nature, incapable of picking out gifts or something? Even when the gift is for someone in my husband’s family, like his sister’s son, I’m the one who has to remember to buy the Bar Mitzvah present! How fair is that?
Sick of it in St. Petersburg
Dear Sick,
I’m with you on this one, since I’ve been Santa for all of our five kids, with no help from the sleeping giant! I have an idea: next time you have to buy a present for his nephew, tell him you’ve picked out a great collection of love poems or a special, anniversary copy of “Gone With the Wind,” and all he has to do is sign the card, “Love, Your Devoted Uncle.”
Dear Johanna,
I’m recently divorced, after being married for 20 years, the last five of which were pretty lacking in the love department, and I’m petrified about having sex with a man again. I’m afraid I won’t even know what to do–and I shudder to think of how I’ll look in a sexy nightgown!
Feeling Old in Ohio
Dear Feeling,
Stop that nonsense! Every wrinkle on your body came from valuable life experience. You are a wonderful collection of knowledge, laughter, heartache, joy, sadness, and skill. Flaunt it! And, as to not knowing what to do: remember that old saying about riding a bike? Just get ride back on that saddle and ride, sister, ride!
