2009 August | Oops50

Archive for August, 2009

Oops50 Humor: Sex After Death

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact, “Ivy…Ivy!”

”Is that you, Richard?”

”Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed”.

”That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

”Well, I get up in the morning, and then I have sex.

Then I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

Then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud: lots of greens!) another romp, then ’round the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it’s back to the golf course again, and then it’s more sex until late at night.

I then usually catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

”Oh Richard, you surely must be in heaven!”

”Not exactly…I’m a rabbit on a golf course in South Carolina!”

Tags: Humor, jokes, Laugh Lines, laughter, oops50 humor, oops50humor, oops50laughlines, Sadhvi Sez, women jokes, women's journeys
Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Laugh Lines, Main, Sadhvi Sez | 1 Comment »

Oops50 Humor: An elderly husband and wife were having dinner

Monday, August 17th, 2009

An elderly husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But, the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Melvin?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

Tags: Humor, Laugh Lines, laughter, oops50, oops50humor, oops50laughlines, sadhvisez, women humor, women jokes, women over 50, women's humor
Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Laugh Lines, Main | No Comments »

Ask Johanna

Monday, August 17th, 2009

Dear Johanna,

Since entering the throes of menopause, I’ve been waking up every morning with my body covered with hair. What’s particularly embarrassing are the hairs on my chin that resemble the snout hairs of a pig: long, white, and tough! Help! What can I do?

Hairy in Huntsville

Dear Hairy,

I say, let them grow, if for no other reason than the humiliation they will cause your children! They don’t name us crones for nothing. Actually, I find tweezers work well, especially when I’m stopped at a stoplight, listening to Barry Manilow on the radio. I like to pluck in time to “Mandy,” with each hair coming out in the rhythm of “you came and you gave without taking…” Just be careful not to get going too fast because it can hurt when you pluck your skin!

Dear Johanna,

My daughter’s best friend’s mother recently described my house as the “messiest pigpen” she’d ever seen. What should I do? And this was after I had even served her cake!

Depressed in Duluth

Dear Depressed,

Next time, serve her leftovers! I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry she was so rude to you. I’ll tell you what I definitely would not do and that’s clean up. Your house is your castle. You get to keep it looking any way you want. I’m over 50, and I’m on permanent strike from housework. I never again in my entire life want to do any of the following: iron, dust, mop or, most of all, cook!

Dear Johanna:

I’ve tried everything I know to bring back the former sexy me: hormone replacement therapy, natural herbs, acupuncture, physical therapy, mental therapy, the fat flush, Feldenkreis, rolfing, yam cream, giving up coffee, and adding alcohol. Last week I even tried that Explosive Jelly advertised by the obnoxious couple on TV! But every time my husband gets interested in you know what, I still can’t help but say, “Do what now?”

Uninterested in Unadilla

Dear Unadilla,

I’m sorry, girl. But, hey, there’s more to life than sex, right? You can always learn to knit or play backgammon! I actually have a solution for you: tell your husband to try the number one aphrodisiac for women: get him to sit across from you at a table and listen to your in-depth analysis of everything that’s on your mind that day — and he has to stay focused! The final foreplay comes from this: at the end of your whole discussion, he says the following words, “Wow, I’m amazed at how much fun this is. I could talk like this all night!” If that doesn’t work, I can’t help you.

Tags: hair, humorous advice, menopause, women's humor
Posted in Ask Johanna, Humor | No Comments »

Betty’s Beat: August 2009, U.S. Congresspeople Get the Message – universal health care!!

Monday, August 17th, 2009

betty This is the time for all good women and men to come to the aid of their country!

Gather a group of friends and go VISIT your congressperson – and senators if possible. Write, call, collect petitions, stage demonstrations. Let’s make this month the historic point at which we declare there will be UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE FOR EVERYONE. No more excuses.

Tell our elected officials that we did not vote for change last November to run scared because the hate- and fear-mongers yell ‘socialism’ and ‘government control.’ If people had listened to these threats a few decades ago, we would not have Social Security and Medicare today.

Let’s win this fight now! And it is a fight. The insurance companies have lots of dollars to lose, and they are pulling out all the stops — and we all know what lobbying dollars can do. All their marketing spews the same rhetoric: government control of your health care, socialism, no possible way to pay, yada, yada. Excuses all!! It’s a funny thing to me that people who carp about government control, suddenly, at age 65 and in the blink of an eye, decide the government is the perfect solution to managing health care costs!

Please, please, please — take to the streets, if necessary, this month, while the congresspeople are home in their districts. And to get through to some of our congresspeople, we may have to. (A congresswoman from NC recently announced that everyone in NC has access to affordable health care. That is certainly news to the hundreds of small business owners in NC I work with who do not have and cannot afford health insurance).

I am fortunate to have a job where I do have access to group health insurance. Over the past ten years, my employer and I have paid more than $70,000 to the insurance company for my policy, a $5000 deductible policy! I have used it once, for less than $200. When I leave my job, I will not be able to keep this policy; I will not receive any refund; and I will not be able to afford the private policy my age will demand. Don’t you think it would make sense to pay this money to the government for universal health care coverage instead of to the insurance company for their profits!!?? Please contact your congressperson and demand that they support Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill! It may not be the complete reform we need, but it’s a start. We must pass this bill.

Tags: Health care reform
Posted in Main | 7 Comments »

Oops86: My friend Adele Rose

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

Part I

“Life is an adventure, and most of us think if we work hard and reach a goal we will be happy. But it doesn’t work that way. It’s not a straight road; it’s more like a river; and there are parts that are going to be smooth and safe, and there are parts that are going to give you trouble.”

This is a sampling of the little pearls of wisdom my friend Adele shared with me when I asked her what it felt like to be 86. Having lost my mother when she was 56 (my age now), I marvel at women like Adele. I discovered her in yoga class, and soon I learned we shared more than a love of yoga and our favorite teacher, Cindy Dollar. There was opera, literature, The New York Times Book Review, Laurey’s Café, and, of course, the mountains. Sitting on the deck of her mountain condo, sipping Chai tea, surrounded by colorful potted plants and birds pecking at the feeder, I recently spent a glorious afternoon poking questions at Adele, who was completely generous and authentic in her responses. Here’s a sample.

Annice: You are a role model for so many women I know who say, ‘I want to be like Adele.’ How does that make you feel?

Adele: I really don’t like that. I wish they would say, ‘I like who you are now’ — because I worked hard to be who I am and to come to terms with my life, not just with aging. It’s very difficult to come to terms with life – some never do-but if you want to enjoy the last part of your life like the first, or even more than the first, you have to recognize who you are and what you are. All my life, I’ve been the youngest. I was the youngest of four cousins who were very close to me in age. In school, I was much younger than any of my classmates because I had skipped grades five times; and now, I often find myself to be the oldest and the matriarch of the group. And you should know that my friends are not just elderly. They vary in ages, including Generation X and teenagers whom I frequently take out to lunch. (more…)

Tags: women over 50, women's journeys
Posted in Annice'sAngle, Main | 6 Comments »